Push the fuck up button .

I don't know what to think or say about yesterday , as soon as I came out of court my legs took me to the nearest pub and my mouth ordered a pint of cider , the bar man places the drink in front of me and I gaze at the tiny bubbles as they rise to the surface of the glass , it looks very cool and inviting , my head is saying DRINK IT , DON'T DRINK IT , DRINK IT , DON'T DRINK IT , what do I do ? I go to the toilet and think , take a piss then head back to my drink and take myself out into the garden and place the glass on the table , angry and confused I take the glass and raise it to my lips and take a tiny sip , it tastes good , so good that I take a huge gulp and empty half the glass . Bang my sobriety is gone and I light a cigarette , any hope of seeing my daughter has been smashed to pieces and all the campral and kudzu in the world wasn't gonna stop me having that drink , it's what I do when I hit a crisis , no back up plans were in place and I pushed the self destruct fuck up button , I'm very good at doing that .

I ring an old flame and arrange to meet her later on , hit the off license and buy 12 cans of cider ,go home and take my suit off and put on a pair of short combat trousers , smart shirt and new trainers , quick squirt of aftershave and I'm out the door and walking to my friends house swigging a can on the way , for a pub afternoon . My old flame likes pills so I decide to treat her to 4 of my sweeties , I knock on the door and she answers looking nicely tanned and happy to see me , quick kiss and an even quicker hi to her daughter and a little banter , then off we go to a pub called the Dover Castle which surprisingly I have never been in before , order drinks and sit in the garden chatting about my morning and her kids , usual shit . I'm hungry but never eat when drinking so we stay boozing for 3 0r 4 hours , the sun is burning my face and arms , I feel calm as the alcohol does it's job and I chat to some pretty ladies on the table next to ours , every time my pal goes to the toilet , they notice my tag and I make a half hearted attempt to explain why I'm wearing it , they are student nurses and I tell them that I also was a student nurse a few years back , one of the ladies has red hair and isn't as impressed as her pal that I'm chatting to them , she is the prettier of the two .

I have no recollection of walking back home , the only memory I have from last night is knocking on my neighbours door with the intention of buying some cannabis , he has none but I do get a puff on the joint he's smoking , I'm in tears as I tell him about my morning in court .

I wake this morning and feel like shit , smoke a cigarette and start drinking the cans left in the fridge from yesterdays bender . I'm waiting for the detox people to ring and ask why I haven't shown up this morning .