Just rang my pal Annabell , she's in hospital having women's operations , the phone died so I rang back again and the nurse told me she was unable to get out of bed to talk to me but had sent a message ," keep strong , sorry about yesterday in court " , I'm in tears ,the things I've done are far too shameful ,twice in 2 days , Fuck , my friend is ill and she still cares about me , I'm ashamed of myself . I hope she's getting loads of morphine to keep her comfy , keep pressing the green button sweet pea . I read something about cancer on her face book page but I'm not having that , she's gonna be just fine and dandy and that is that . If she has chemo then I will send her a bandanna , and I will wear 1 myself , maybe a sky blue colour with a touch of yellow . When my tag is removed ( sept 7th )I'm going to meet my friend and take her out for Indian food , exotic drinks and insane chit chat . She understands me , not many people do !
Detox still haven't rung up , what on earth would the red faced judge think if he knew that I hadn't turned up this morning , "hang , draw and quarter this menace to himself and society " , Judge Jeffories indeed .
The weather is overcast , 68f , nobody is sunbathing on the beach , the Pakistanis and Indians are having their day trips from London and lighting bbq's on the pebbles , they arrive in big groups and pretend that they are British , pop corn , candy floss and fish and chips , a walk on the pier maybe , they never swim in the sea , don't even paddle but they enjoy the day out which makes me happy , I like to see people having a good time , it reminds me of when I was a kid , happy holidays and days out .
What if , What if , What if ( Cold play , fix you) , no point in worrying about " ifs or buts " , live in the moment the Buddhist teacher tells me , it's very hard to not worry about what you did in the past and even more scary to think about the future but I have learnt to to live in the moment a little bit , it makes sense but needs practice .
Feeling the effects of not eating for 2 days and drinking for 2 days I'm slowly getting mashed , I wish that someone would pop over and visit , some company is needed but everyone knows that Jim is a fucking nightmare when he is pissed so I'll strike through that thought , my brain travels at the speed of light and the thought of company will soon repulse me , Steve's next door if I get really desperate and needy . The hardest part is letting go and not taking part when I want to , sometimes it breaks my heart and 10 minutes later I'm pleased I didn't , is this my bi-polar or ADHD , the shrink can't diagnose me until i've been sober for 6 months , that could be forever . Please fix me , fix me and fix me now .
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