The tennis is on BBC2 and I'm trying to spy my Brother and Fat Dave in the crowds , wouldn't it be such fun if the ball smacked them right in the face , justice indeed :) . The club rules ensure that the players dress in white , this tradition is proper and well respected by all , it's just so correct and dates back 124 years . No whites and you can't come in , go away , we don't care who you are . In 2008 i took a big bottle of champagne , salmon en croute and cigars for the 5 of us that were meeting up , Dave brought along a pack of mini sausage rolls , nobody else bothered . I feel you have to make an effort on such special occasions , don't you? Eat the strawberries ( I hate strawberries ) and drink the Pimms even if it is £8 a cup , do things properly , wear new clothes , I'm sure your getting the feel of it . Oh and just one more thing before I bore you to death , you must visit the shop and buy at least one article , £18 for a summer hat that my Daughter looked a peach in and wore until it was filthy , why my ex wife couldn't wash it , who knows ? Well secretly it was because i bought it and shouldn't be going to such events enjoying myself , my god did I tell you about the time I went to Tenerefe ? What a fucking scene that was and in public as well in front of my poker playing buddies .

My Brother owns a property in the Canaries and we had booked a weeks break , now remember my divorce was through and I hadn't lived in the marital home for over a year , I'd not told the ex about my little holiday until a fortnight before we were due to go , she was gonna kick up a big shit , she's good at that , " How can you just fuck off on holiday when you only give me £80 a week for our daughter " , I can hear it now BLAH , BLAH , BLAH , and always shouting , every swear word known to me . We were due to go on the Friday and I'd been invited around to have dinner on the Thursday with my ex , daughter and her kids from a previous marriage , I'd been suspicious but the following Sunday was father's day so I'd agreed to go as my 1 year old daughter had a gift for me . Never did I intend to honour this invitation , my ex was up to something and I bloody well knew what it was , get Jim arrested , cause a row , ring the police then he's gonna be locked up all night and miss his flight , she was very good at getting me nicked , her brother in law and my ex brother in law was a top copper in Brighton and was able to pull strings , I was once given 135 hours community service after she had attacked and bitten me , never did understand that and had to pay the bitch £100 compensation ?? , family in high places counts I suppose .

Playing poker in the Internet cafe that i always used my mobile kept ringing and receiving texted messages which I ignored , knowing full well it was my ex wondering why i hadn't arrived for my premature fathers day special tea with a free night in the cells included . One thing I hadn't counted on , BIG MISTAKE , she knew where I played Internet poker and had been watching me via her computer at home on the William Hills website . Oblivious to this , merrily I played away winning some extra cash for my holiday the next day . Sitting in my usual seat next to the front door every things cool , i always sat in this seat so when I folded hands early was able to look out of the window and people watch which is a hobby of mine .

Dealt pocket aces I have a 95% chance of winning this hand , it's the best pair you can get in Texas holdem poker , I'm transfixed on the screen and watching what the other players are betting , don't want to give away that my hand is very , very good so don't raise it up too much , let them think they have a chance , raise it up a little more and everyone calls my bet which is what I want , another ace reveals itself on the flop and my heart starts to beat a little quicker , go all in next time around , yeah fuck it every penny , i check the pot and it's already over £80 , it's mine . Aware that somebody has entered the shop behind me I take no notice , probably a student e-mailing her mother or boyfriend in Latvia or Slovakia , this town which was awarded City status 3 or 4 years ago is awash with youngsters from all over the world desperate to learn English .

My mind is on the card game , the hand is mine , suddenly a voice I recognise is calling me a cunt , bastard , fucker , throwing objects at me and is ripping up cards and showering them over my head , no need to look around and risk a punch in the face and as soon as it started it's over and this crazy women exits the internet cafe , everyone is looking at me and I shake my head and hold my hands up like I've no idea who this mad women is , the poker is timed out so i loose the pot and leave the shop , i've never been back since !