I cannot carry on like this , must decide whether to be sober and sort my fucked up life out or give up and continue on self destruct , the latter is the easy option but I still have some fight left in me and want to rid myself of this fucking poisonous monkey on my back . I don't want people interfering in my life but it looks to me like I may have to let some in , the monkey is too strong for me to fight on my own , I'll finish the beers in the fridge tonight and look up some AA meetings for the weekend . I won't ask the masters of the universe for any help , it's up to me from now on , no more excuses , bite the fucking bullet , I've lost everything that matters to me so don't have a fucking thing to loose .