Keeping sober , popped to my solicitors and handed E Birthday card in to be inspected , nice to get out of the flat for an hours fresh air .

Wow what a fabulous tattoo , if I get through detox then I may treat myself to a koi carp similar to the above . The koi stands for triumph against adversity and brings good luck , I'm gonna need it .

Chew on that bullet .

Today I feel really shitty , detoxing the nasty way , don't have any money for booze so just biting the bullet , I really need to eat some proper food , I'm cooking some fish and rice , my legs feel weak and shaky .

I am so determined to keep sober this time no matter what life throws at me , I can take it , I'm strong , there isn't much I haven't seen , therefore nothing must stop me , absolutely nothing must tempt me to drink ever again .

The weather is super , right for a walk along the seafront or maybe on the pebbles and have a paddle , I'm stuck in my flat with an awful case of paranoia which is a shit part of detoxing from alcohol . The horse racing from Goodwood is on TV so that's my afternoon .

Whisky in the jar.

I got up 20 Min's ago cause I knew there was a pint of cider left in the bottle , I'm gonna drink it and go back to bed . This is really living !!!
Where's the summer gone ? It's grey and horrid . I'm counting down the minutes until detox , please come quickly , the 9Th of August is the starting date and I will put my heart and soul into this one , no messing about , get off this shit once and for ever , I'm still interested in life outside my bubble , I'm more interested or disturbed that I've nearly finished all the booze left in the bottle , no money to replace it either , cold turkey or "clucking" is on the way , never was a real fan of turkey , even at Christmas , to dry for my liking , not bad in a sandwich though with a bit of stuffing , that's the only dish my mother ever excelled at , the turkey sandwich , yes very tasty with a bit of salt and Percy pepper .

Let me make something perfectly clear .
1. Alcohol is fun.
2. Alcohol is fashionable.
3. Alcohol will give you confidence.
4. Alcohol gets the party in full swing.
5. Alcohol is encouraged in our society.
6. Alcohol is good for ones heart.
7. Alcohol is good for the soul.
8. Alcohol helps you fuck your lady a lot longer.
9. Alcohol gives you a good nights rest.
10.Alcohol is an excellent slave.
All of the above are true , yes believe me , absolutely true . So why am I writing such a glowing appraisal of the Devils brew , you may ask yourself ?
I enjoyed all the benefits from the above , Fuck it did I have some fun , yes the best times of my life absolutely and without doubt , followed the fashion or more like an institution , gave me the confidence of Casanova and got me into some real swinging parties ( make what you want of that ) , Mr A has given me access to the most wonderful and fascinating insight into human behaviour that anyone could be lucky enough to see . Damn good pick up if ones heart and soul is in the doldrums , works every time , you can be sure of that , oh and don't forget sorting your partner out for hours on a Saturday night if you can stay awake . Good slave indeed .
So why would I want to give up the beautiful booze ?
Mr A will slowly and without you realising remove all the fun from your life , piss on all the confidence that he lent you then make you pay back 1000's over for the same relief , will fuck up your heart and not to mention what he'll do to your soul , turning you into a liar , scheming manipulator , angry , unbalanced , paranoid thieving sell yourself to the devil for a beer pathetic wreck of a shadow of your former self . Maybe you weren't so happy with yourself before you decided to undertake a career in alcoholism but I can assure you that you will fucking hate yourself after years of abuse far more than you did before , the police will take a very great interest in your every move , lock you up in the cells for days without any reason you can remember , make you stand up in court and beg forgiveness for accusations you don't even remember "Yes Sir , No Sir , I understand my stupidity and will never drink again promise , think "PHEW" that was a close one then hit the nearest pub . Don't even mention the relationships , family and children caught up in your addiction , they will leave you , don't kid yourself that you're in control , you're not . I'm living proof that you will lose everything and when I say everything that you care about that's exactly what I'm talking about, don't be a fool and do what I did "You will loose everything" , Daughter , Brother , Mother , nephews and nieces and more friends than you'd be able to remember and I still sit here drinking just waiting to get into detox in 13 days. And the guilt will rip your heart out , I can no longer bare to look at the photos of my daughter , she's so beautiful and my life is so full of ugliness . What a mess but a mess of my own making , that's for sure , think carefully , if addiction is inherited then I worry for my daughter and my brothers kids , there's no hard evidence to say either way , please God NO , NO WAY , leave them alone , they don't deserve it , let me take the whole family dose and let it die with me .

Fuk It!

Why me , Why me ? Why am I stuck with this Alcoholism , Mr A beat me up badly the weekend just gone , totally lost Saturday , just didn't happen . It's just fucking ridiculous , I have no control over my addiction and it's making a complete fool of me . The new neighbour is mocking me " Wheres your car , bollocks " , I ignored him , he's an alcoholic who also indulges in the occasional use of H , but he attends AA meetings though I never saw him when I went to a few the other week . I don't want people to think I'm what I am , I must beat it and turn my back on it for good , once and for all , over , finished , party over , Party , what fucking party ? I think I missed it . This time in 2 weeks I'll be in detox and I can't bring it on quick enough .

I went to see another alcohol worker this morning at the probation office , met her last week but don't really remember what we spoke about , thought I was meeting my new probation officer but he decided not to come to work so that was that . I'm thinking about a peer mentoring course , helping poor fuckers that are in my boots once I'm sober , it would be good for me , to help other people lost in a haze of booze and confusion , I could do it , be good at it , why doesn't someone mentor me today , like right this second , NOW , NOW , NOW ! I'm lost in a haze of booze and confusion , HELP !

No use talking about yesterday as I don't have a clue what happened , the only memory is of going to the off license and buying some alcohol and cigarettes , the same off license that I had asked the manager to not sell me any booze a couple of weeks ago , he's an Indian or from Pakistarn , doesn't speak English very well , maybe he didn't understand me , why should he care about my addiction ?

Shaggy Hair n Fried Eggs .

Little James smelt of roses until the age of 8 months , Bish Bash Bosh and suddenly Mama had a devil on her hands and didn't know how to deal with the red head she'd birthed .
Ha , Ha , Ha , little James knew how to have fun , scream , shout , fucking rages that nearly blew the house down , I could manipulate at a very young age . My brother is 2 years older than me and we had got all excited for his birthday , he was 6 or 7 , I watched him open his presents , some where money and cards , cheques from distant aunts and uncles which didn't bother me , just bits of paper which I didn't understand .
Dad came down and wished J a happy birthday and gave my shaggy hair a mix up and I gave him the best false smile .
I fucked up the day when my brother open his "main present" a thunder birds 3 missile launcher . I screamed and beat the house up until my Dad took the car out with me by his side and bought me the same present just to shut my fucking mouth . I can and can't believe that was Jim or James . What did my poor brother think about his big present being triumphed

Jesus I'm a lucky monkey , managed to get myself another detox Aug 9Th , this has got to be the last one , no more fucking about , didn't I say that the last time ? Thanks to Mike my key worker , a chap that I must admit I wasn't to impressed with when I first met him but has turned out to be the kind of person I could really get on well with , apart from the rather ludicrous sideburns .

This morning I had some little jobs to take care of in town , put some snaps in to be developed , pay a tenner off my loan but the main reason was to buy my daughters birthday card , I've had to buy it early as it needs to be inspected by my own solicitor and also my ex wife's solicitor in case I write something inappropriate in it or God forbid put some money inside , the judge made it very clear that I was under no circumstances allowed to put any money or send a present , just a card with a small note . I took some pics of the Dukey stall that my daughter and I used to visit every week last summer , hook a duck and win a prize every time , and I'll sneak those in and hope they escape the radar , what harm could it do ? Choosing her card carefully , I wanted one with a badge on which says 5 today and found just what I was looking for in the Disney shop with a picture of Cinderella and a big shiny badge that she can pin on her school jumper and let everyone know shes 5 , I hope she gets to see it , my ex will probably chuck it straight in the bin once shes had a quick look for the notes that I'm not allowed to send . My probation officer said if I sent money it would be a bribe , I'm sorry but I just do not understand that , she has no kids , Fucking Nazi Bitch ! My only problem is what to write in the card " miss you loads , see you soon " , I don't want to upset her , " Daddies got loads of presents when I see you " , that will probably get me into trouble ??? I hope one day you get to read this blog E , then you can decide for yourself if you think your mum is a complete and utter bitch ?

Received a call from my alcohol key worker and I've got an appointment to see him Friday at 12.30 pm , I was hoping to be back into rehab on Monday but might have to wait a little longer , I'd also hoped to avoid my probation officer for my usual Monday morning arse kicking session , she thinks I'm sober and will have found out I'm back on the booze after my meeting with Sarina the other day , I'm sure shes got a cock hidden in her Y fronts !

The police are parked in my Street again as I write , why don't they set up permanent surveillance , they seem to be up here every day, they still make me jumpy and nervous , I know the next time I get into trouble then it's a definite prison sentence and I might not even get bail .

Fish n chips for breakfast.

Wow I slept all day and didn't wake until 6pm , never done that before , feels a bit strange and to be honest could have stayed in bed and carried on sleeping , so it's fish and chips for breakfast . Ha , no booze either , I've cheated Mr A for the first time ever so Fuck him .

I went out yesterday and had a wonderful time using my new camera , the weather was warm and just perfect for taking some photos .

I went to see a lady at probation yesterday , she works for the alcohol prevention team and I'm hoping she can get me back into rehab in a week or 2 , got to go back to see her on Thursday and see if she has sorted anything out , she was very pleasant but seemed far more interested in her own voice rather than what I had to say , I enquired about some voluntary work and she was quite informative , telling me about a peer mentoring course that you can take , we'll see , no one better for the job , ive been there , seen it , done it and all that .

My bodies a mess and my brain is sticky as honey , glued together with alcohol , cigarettes and prescription drugs . Why won't it get so stuck together and block every thought out about my daughter and all the other fucked up things in my fucked up life .
I woke at 6am in a black mood and took some painkillers , then woke at 11ish and took some more with my usual cocktail of prozac and diazipam . Thank God for Sport , Moto GP and Golf , otherwise I'd be back to black " We only said goodbye with words" .
Annabell rings but I'm brain dead and can't make her laugh .
I want to sleep but I'm scared , I wake up and I can't breathe , my heart is racing , I'm sweating and think it's my turn to die , it's terrifying and I don't know where I am .

My life has been a drunken haze for the last few days , i bought a digital camera and took this photo of a guy that lives down my street . He suffers from a form of schizophrenia and is addicted to alcohol and drugs . He only spoke to me once whilst I was queuing at a cash point to get some money , tapping me on the shoulder like he's my best pal and starts chatting , I had no idea who he was and didn't realise that he lived in my street . I saw him again a few days later sitting like he is in the photo and I said "hi" , he completely ignored me , didn't seem to even see me . Bill who lives further down the street called me over and filled me in with all the details of this guys mental health and addiction issues . I always say hello when I see him and for the last 3 years he's ignored me , I don't take offence , he's lost in a world that I wouldn't want to visit .

Lazy summer days .

I'm normally hyper , flying here there and everywhere and usually forgetting what I had planned to do , I'll go shopping and buy everything but the loaf of bread I went for . My brain works at an abnormally high speed which means I cannot make any sense of information properly and find it difficult to concentrate on a single subject for more than a few seconds , I've used alcohol to medicate this condition for over 20 years , " I'm a million different people from one day to the next " , The Verve .
Had to sell more of my DVD'S this afternoon to get some alcohol , I'm looking into a product called antibuse , if you drink whilst taking this medication it can literally kill you , I've asked the DR for it before and was turned down , it's dangerous stuff and not to be fucked around with . I saw a guy who drank whilst on antibuse and his face blew up and turned purple and he was vomiting and complaining of severe head aches , Georgie Best had implants sewn into his stomach but still drank regardless . I'll go and see the DR and see what she says .
Hunger is consuming me but if I eat then I won't get properly mashed so it's pushed to the back of my mind , ate some toast this morning so I'm not starving or anything like that , theres food in the freezer but it messes up my drinking , stops me wanting to consume alcohol and I wouldn't like that . Who's speaking here , Mr A or Jim ?

Excuse me while i kiss the sky .

It's just starting to get light and still had no sleep , keep banging away at the cans until they are gone , just 1 more to go then as everyone gets up I'll hit the sack . A waste of a day, maybe it will rain , cool cool rain , me hungover and trapped in my cell when I should be "living " . What is living ? Getting beaten , battered and abused . Sobriety spins my head inside out , back to front , upside down , inside out and outside in , a big vacuum sucking me in a 1000 different directions at the same time .
It's properly light now and I can hear the birds chit chat , looking for worms or what ever sparrows and seagulls do at this time in the morning , do they have hangovers ? Are they looking for their next fix , Sex , drugs and rock n roll ? Monkeys get mashed up on those fermented orange coloured tree fruits , I saw it on the TV , perhaps the birds lick toads backs and trip out .

Please Sir , Don't serve me ever again , do you understand ?

Bought myself a digital camera , went shopping , bought some postcards for my Daughter and Annabell and went to the off license and told the Indian guy behind the counter not to sell me any more alcohol , he kept saying he didn't understand me so I kinda used sign language , I think he understood , popped 12 cans of cider in a plastic bag and came home . Money is my worst enemy , I don't know what to do ???? I've no excuses , Fucked Up again . I need more friends , walking around town as Annabell had said yesterday is no fun on your own all the time . To get more friends would be easy for me , attend AA meetings , people just like me , AAAARRRRR !!! Don't know what to do ?? Life saving decisions should be easy to make , yeah ? Well let me tell you something , they Fucking ain't .

I walked onto the sea front and found myself at the Dukey stall where I used to take my daughter last year , you have a stick with a hook and have to then catch a duck and win a prize , one week she won a watch and told me the week after that it was "Crap" because it was plastic and didn't work .

An Apple A Day .

Whilst waiting for a bus this afternoon I saw a simple sight which warmed my heart , a small child of maybe 2 years old was holding a MacDonald's balloon in one hand and in the other I had expected to see a donut or muffin , but no she was munching very quietly and happily on a small piece of apple , it had been cut into a segment and was working her way from inside to the outer skin , I wondered if she would leave the skin , it gave me a flashback from my own childhood when I had chocked on an apple skin and rushing to my mother for help , she ignored me and continued to chat to her friend Beryl . I kept an eye on the child and she ate the rest of the apple skin and all , I felt proud of her as she plucked a grape out of the little plastic bag she was holding , she was smiling in the sunshine and so was I .

What a hell of a morning , that witch of a probation officer ripped into me about the allegation my ex wife had made that I had contacted her , which I certainly did not , repeatedly told me I was lucky not to be in prison and then had a fit that I had been to court without her knowledge concerning the contact order with my daughter , I purposely didn't tell her in case she stuck her fucking big nose in and messed things up for me . Oh and gave me another roasting for missing most of last weeks detox , I put myself into detox and it was not part of my sentence . I'm thinking if I give her the impression that I no longer care whether I see my daughter or not then this will remove a lot of her power over me ? I took a quick photo of her . (Right)

Took myself off to the pool and cooled down , really fancying a drink and with money in my pocket I use the swim to distract me . Went food shopping at the super market just to get rid of the spare money I had in my pocket , determined not to use my meeting earlier this morning as an excuse to drink , I can be stubborn so I'll stay sober just to spite the fucking bitch , she wants me in prison , she won't get what she wants !

Spoke to Mother this evening , haven't seen or chatted with her for over a month , I needed the space and think she did to . I tell her about last Tuesdays court case and also that if she wants to see her Granddaughter then she will have to sort it out herself , I'm a little angry with her as she complains to me about not seeing my daughter but won't make any effort to make contact herself , I advise her to speak to my ex's mother who is at least sane and will be polite , "yes , I was thinking about doing that " , my Mother replies and I have to stop myself saying " yes you were thinking about doing that 10 fucking months ago !" .
I tell her I've done another detox and also that the Dr thinks I may have Bipolar or and ADHD , she asks if I'm relieved to hear this and I tell her that I am . Thanks me for getting in touch and puts the phone down , I'm pleased that's over . I'll send her some money but won't ring her for another month or so , keep a low profile , don't need the guilt anymore .

British Grand Prix today at Silverstone , great excitement for me , I really must go , yes next year .

I've got money today but have no inclination to buy alcohol , is this because I have an appointment with my probation officer at 9am tomorrow and don't want to feel like shit , maybe the Kudzu is working or am I determined to sort myself out so that I get more than the chance to send my daughter a birthday card , I'm still fucking fuming about their decision last week in court and will use this energy to keep me sober and continue to keep me fighting . Dads are roasted by the press and public for ignoring their kids but the amount of hoops you have to jump through before you can even get your case to court is ridiculous , it took me 10 months and I will have to wait another 5 months until I get to see a CAFCASS officer who will chat to me and my ex partner and then advise the court of their outcomings . Why do I have to wait 5 months to see this person , then have to wait again for another court date , I totally understand why some Dads just give up ! There maybe some fireworks but this Dad is not gonna give up fighting until he gets what he wants .

Mad , Bad and Great to Know .

Whats wrong with blogger this afternoon ? Keeps coming up ERROR , oh well it's working now so I'd better make the most of it . The mist is lifting and I can see the pier , well the outline , almost shadow like .

My pal Matt keeps ringing and texting me concerning Raoul Moat , I'm sober and feeling to grumpy to answer the phone , this guy left prison and shot his ex wife , killed her new boyfriend and shot a copper , I think Matt had mentioned something about Raoul not getting access to his kids and that's the last thing I wish to chat about at the moment .

I've only been out today to get some cigarettes , had a quick chat with Bill who was swigging on a can of Carlsberg and showing off his £450 digital camera which he bought 2 years ago and doesn't know how to work , I didn't mention my idea of buying my own cheaper model later on this week , Simon , my neighbours lodger is also sitting and chatting about cameras , he hates them and really hates looking at other peoples photo's , when I had my car he came out to have a look and told me he hates cars and would never travel on a bus . "Now't as queer as folk" , my Mum would say . I used to think of myself as a good judge of character but as I get older it never ceases to amaze me how riduculous and absurdly people will behave so now i no longer judge and just let them be whatever they want , it's my own behaviour which facinates me the most , remembering I'm mad give me license to do what I like .

The weather was beautifully sunny when I awoke this morning , an hour later and the sea mist rolls in and I can't see to the end of my street , what a shame for day trippers , it's really quite cold and the mist can hang around all day .
Im concerned about seeing my probation officer on Monday , does she know that I missed the last 4 days of my detox , will she believe that the boiler was broken and had to stay in for the plumbers on 3 seperate days , I'll tell her that I was in court on Tuesday concerning my Daughter

I've got to make a plan , stop lapsing , take things seriously , do what the probation and all the other Fuckers sticking their beaks into my life want me to do , grin and bare it , be patient and smile sweetly at people I'd rather spit at , do the AA meetings ,the acupuncture , the triple p and the anger management courses . I pride myself on my honesty and will not associate with anyone I suspect of lying but I will lie through my fucking teeth to get access to my darling daughter , things are going too far , I'd expected at the least to get supervised access in court last week and all I get is the chance of sending her a birthday card , not even allowed to give her a present or some money .
Get back to the pool everyday , keep a routine , up early , bed early , look into my diet , lots of veggies and fruit , 1 cheeseburger a week MAX ! , read loads and sort this essay writing business out , get down on the beach with a pack lunch and READ , READ , READ . Read them fancy broadsheet papers they advise in the course warm up information . Book that little break in Cornwall and watch the surfers , do anything but DON'T FUCKING DRINK !!!! I know if I'm patient eventually I will get my baby back .

Wow I have hot water , the dripping boiler has fixed itself , well thats what the plumber said anyway , Oh to have a hot bath , what joy , super . I do have to ask myself why it had taken 4 different plumbers on 3 seperate occasions to decide that the dripping boiler had fixed itself ? If I'd had to take 3 days off work and have to pay all these guys for their services then what would that have cost me ?
Oh yes I forgot , I bought 15 cans of cider today £10 , which leaves me £9 for Sat , Sun and Monday .

I cannot carry on like this , must decide whether to be sober and sort my fucked up life out or give up and continue on self destruct , the latter is the easy option but I still have some fight left in me and want to rid myself of this fucking poisonous monkey on my back . I don't want people interfering in my life but it looks to me like I may have to let some in , the monkey is too strong for me to fight on my own , I'll finish the beers in the fridge tonight and look up some AA meetings for the weekend . I won't ask the masters of the universe for any help , it's up to me from now on , no more excuses , bite the fucking bullet , I've lost everything that matters to me so don't have a fucking thing to loose .

Baboon's Bum .

My leaking boiler seems to be causing something of an uproar amongst the plumbers and heating engineers of Brighton , a guy came Sunday and couldn't fix it , another chap comes today and huffs and puffs for 2 hours , makes numerous phone calls and tells me its something to do with a rising main , I don't know what he is talking about but he can't fix the drip either , the whole block has to be disconnected from the water supply , seems a bit extreme to me but they are coming back tomorrow to fix it sometime in the afternoon . Bloody hell I haven't had a bath since Sunday and must stink like a Baboons bottom !

My brains dead today so I'm giving up blogging until I can think of something to blog .

I've had this tag on for a month today , I want it off , don't want to be under a curfew anymore , I didn't give a shit in the winter when I was tagged the last time , who goes out after 8pm in December ? Certainly not me , but this is summer time and I'd like to go to Cornwall and watch the surfers and buy some T-shirts , maybe do some camping . Get the fuck out of Brighton for a few days , it suffocates me sometimes .

I've been up since 8.30am and took a swig of cider before I left my bed , feeling dehydrated I took a huge gulp and that set the scene for the rest of the day , popped down the off license and bought 12 cans of cider and put the TV on and watch my favourite girl "Lily Allen" singing her favourite top 10 . She's always happy and laughing , better still she likes older men , maybe we could meet up sometime , me and Lily fucking around, being silly .

Drinking on an empty head

This confuses me , 1044 people have looked at my profile and possibly my blog yet I only have 1 person following me?

I spoke to my pal Annabell , she's in hospital and sounds fucking mashed on morphine when i ring her , nice place to be , I remember it , off your head on legal drugs , sleep , eat , sleep , eat , take a piss if you can find a nurse to hold your arm . She mentioned chemo but I'm not having any of it , the bandannas will be ordered and I will wear one in support if it fits around my big head , I've been there before and absolutely refuse to go on the same ride again , NO FUCKING WAY . I tell my Annabell that I won't drink tomorrow , money's getting short and the £40 I have must be spent on food and cigs to last me the week until payday. I care about my pal in "hostibul" ( hospital , private joke ) a face book friend , she takes me for what I am and doesn't judge , she's as whack as me , I can't wait to see her , and I will see her as soon as my tag/curfew is over Sept 7Th 2010 , as I said in a previous post , top restaurant and expensive clothing , the best for my friend and each of us wearing a bandanna , looking as cool as a breeze , then maybe sit on the western super mud beach and watch the seagulls and people passing by , RELAX , drink in the peace that comes with watching the tide going out , a new place for me , nobody knows who I am , NO SEX , DRUGS AND ROCK N ROLL it's out of my fashion . Brighton and Weston Supermare are both seaside resorts and I'd feel claustrophobic if Icouldn' t take t look at the ocean .

Square one .

Just rang my pal Annabell , she's in hospital having women's operations , the phone died so I rang back again and the nurse told me she was unable to get out of bed to talk to me but had sent a message ," keep strong , sorry about yesterday in court " , I'm in tears ,the things I've done are far too shameful ,twice in 2 days , Fuck , my friend is ill and she still cares about me , I'm ashamed of myself . I hope she's getting loads of morphine to keep her comfy , keep pressing the green button sweet pea . I read something about cancer on her face book page but I'm not having that , she's gonna be just fine and dandy and that is that . If she has chemo then I will send her a bandanna , and I will wear 1 myself , maybe a sky blue colour with a touch of yellow . When my tag is removed ( sept 7th )I'm going to meet my friend and take her out for Indian food , exotic drinks and insane chit chat . She understands me , not many people do !

Detox still haven't rung up , what on earth would the red faced judge think if he knew that I hadn't turned up this morning , "hang , draw and quarter this menace to himself and society " , Judge Jeffories indeed .

The weather is overcast , 68f , nobody is sunbathing on the beach , the Pakistanis and Indians are having their day trips from London and lighting bbq's on the pebbles , they arrive in big groups and pretend that they are British , pop corn , candy floss and fish and chips , a walk on the pier maybe , they never swim in the sea , don't even paddle but they enjoy the day out which makes me happy , I like to see people having a good time , it reminds me of when I was a kid , happy holidays and days out .

What if , What if , What if ( Cold play , fix you) , no point in worrying about " ifs or buts " , live in the moment the Buddhist teacher tells me , it's very hard to not worry about what you did in the past and even more scary to think about the future but I have learnt to to live in the moment a little bit , it makes sense but needs practice .

Feeling the effects of not eating for 2 days and drinking for 2 days I'm slowly getting mashed , I wish that someone would pop over and visit , some company is needed but everyone knows that Jim is a fucking nightmare when he is pissed so I'll strike through that thought , my brain travels at the speed of light and the thought of company will soon repulse me , Steve's next door if I get really desperate and needy . The hardest part is letting go and not taking part when I want to , sometimes it breaks my heart and 10 minutes later I'm pleased I didn't , is this my bi-polar or ADHD , the shrink can't diagnose me until i've been sober for 6 months , that could be forever . Please fix me , fix me and fix me now .

Postman's Knock .

One day I will without doubt give up the booze , that's a fact and no arguments , but whether it's because it kills me or I remove it from my life I don't know . Today it's got me , Mr A has his hands in my pockets and is spending my money for me and I'm quite OK about it .
I just went to the off license and some guy is looking at me like he wants to kill me , never seen him before in my life , why does he dislike me ? , I don't understand ? Is he having a bad day and wants to fight me , why does his shit impact on my day ?
The postman knocks my door , I'm not answering , fuck off , whatever he wants will have to wait until tomorrow or never , I didn't give him a Christmas tip so I feel a little guilty about this , how much do you give the guy ? he gets a wage and is always fucking late , if I gave him £5 would that be to little or too much, not sure , he can rip all my post up and chuck it in the bin , all I get is bills and letters from my ex wife's solicitor . The poor guy wears short grey trousers every day of the year , snow , rain , sun , whatever , I've seen other postmen/women doing the same , is it some sort of charity sponsored issue , raising money for ex postmen who took early retirement due to frozen blue knee syndrome ?

Push the fuck up button .

I don't know what to think or say about yesterday , as soon as I came out of court my legs took me to the nearest pub and my mouth ordered a pint of cider , the bar man places the drink in front of me and I gaze at the tiny bubbles as they rise to the surface of the glass , it looks very cool and inviting , my head is saying DRINK IT , DON'T DRINK IT , DRINK IT , DON'T DRINK IT , what do I do ? I go to the toilet and think , take a piss then head back to my drink and take myself out into the garden and place the glass on the table , angry and confused I take the glass and raise it to my lips and take a tiny sip , it tastes good , so good that I take a huge gulp and empty half the glass . Bang my sobriety is gone and I light a cigarette , any hope of seeing my daughter has been smashed to pieces and all the campral and kudzu in the world wasn't gonna stop me having that drink , it's what I do when I hit a crisis , no back up plans were in place and I pushed the self destruct fuck up button , I'm very good at doing that .

I ring an old flame and arrange to meet her later on , hit the off license and buy 12 cans of cider ,go home and take my suit off and put on a pair of short combat trousers , smart shirt and new trainers , quick squirt of aftershave and I'm out the door and walking to my friends house swigging a can on the way , for a pub afternoon . My old flame likes pills so I decide to treat her to 4 of my sweeties , I knock on the door and she answers looking nicely tanned and happy to see me , quick kiss and an even quicker hi to her daughter and a little banter , then off we go to a pub called the Dover Castle which surprisingly I have never been in before , order drinks and sit in the garden chatting about my morning and her kids , usual shit . I'm hungry but never eat when drinking so we stay boozing for 3 0r 4 hours , the sun is burning my face and arms , I feel calm as the alcohol does it's job and I chat to some pretty ladies on the table next to ours , every time my pal goes to the toilet , they notice my tag and I make a half hearted attempt to explain why I'm wearing it , they are student nurses and I tell them that I also was a student nurse a few years back , one of the ladies has red hair and isn't as impressed as her pal that I'm chatting to them , she is the prettier of the two .

I have no recollection of walking back home , the only memory I have from last night is knocking on my neighbours door with the intention of buying some cannabis , he has none but I do get a puff on the joint he's smoking , I'm in tears as I tell him about my morning in court .

I wake this morning and feel like shit , smoke a cigarette and start drinking the cans left in the fridge from yesterdays bender . I'm waiting for the detox people to ring and ask why I haven't shown up this morning .

10 months and my big day arrives , 3 hours in court and I come out with the privilege of sending my daughter a birthday card , not allowed to put any money in it or give her a present . The solicitor for my ex is 4 feet away from me and i want to fucking hurt him , my body is shaking with rage, the unfairness of the situation , I want to explode and scream , puke on the floor .
I haven't seen my ex in 10 months and am terrified of seeing her , I don't know whether I'm going to attack her or run away .
I see her and she is wearing the same clothes from 5 years back and looking even bigger than I remember , at least 2 stone heavier , "Chill Jim , Breathe like Frankie said , I want to catch her eye and wink just to spin her head out .

Today is ranked as one of the most important of my ** years in existence , the day I find out if the court will grant me an access order to my darling 4 year old daughter , the most wonderful and perfect child in her Daddies eyes . The day she was born I looked into her eyes and realised my life had changed forever , it scared me but I knew that I would die for this tiny baby and do whatever it took to protect her whatever the cost , I've paid a high price and haven't seen her for 10 months and it has destroyed me . My ex wife told me shortly after the birth that she would do anything within her power to stop me seeing my baby girl and she has been true to her word . We were separated at this time .

I'm starting to feel nervous , sick , worried if things don't go my way I may jump into the nearest bottle , I can only prey that the correct decision is made which will benefit my Daughter the most .

I have a lucky shirt that always gets worn for such occasions , a blue and white check Ben Sherman with short sleeves , it's not let me down yet so on it will go with my dark suit and black boots .

Live in the moment , live in the moment , calm down , just relax and breathe and everything will be OK won't it ?

I think i might be sick when my ex appears in front of me , just avoid eye contact , dont even look in her direction , perhaps she won't show up and we can run the case without her .

Up early to start the second week of the detox / rehab . This week it is in Brighton and within walking distance of my flat , The building is called Vantage Point and was previously used as a library . Ive been here before on many occasions and am relaxed with the setup . The entrance is always buzzing with people waiting for their methadone scripts , it can be quite intimidating when you first visit , I only ever saw one fight , a guy blew a positive for alcohol and they had to ring his probation officer so he flipped , most addicts are peaceful and value the service they receive , give them their sweeties and every one's happy .
The morning starts at 10am and things are fairly relaxed , breathe test , coffee , chat amongst ourselves then our guide Dave starts with a round up of what we've been up to at the weekend , every ones been sober which is great , Ricky has had an awful weekend , kicked down the stairs twice and smashed over the head with something hard enough to make his head bleed , all this inflicted by his future wife who was pissed or as Ricky says "wankered" , she rings the police and he is arrested and spends 18 hours in the cells , sound fucking familiar , he has a seizure whilst in custody . Jay admits to having a swig of lager and we have to vote as to whether he can stay in the group , we all agree at once that he can , he needs to stay in the gang so he can see the homeless guy later in the week and get a roof over his head , I could not stay sober in his shoes , NO FUCKING WAY ! , he hasn't eaten for 3 or 4 days and has to ask someone for 10p so he can put the 90p he has to get a burger for supper , how does he remain so jolly ? Frankie is quiet today but made it through a friends wedding and didn't touch a drop the whole weekend . Tim went to the pub and drank a couple of pints of diet coke . It feels like I've known these people half my life and will get some phone numbers on Friday .
Home time is 2.30pm , Frankie and Jay wish me good luck for my court case tomorrow ,so I head to the pool wanting to pay my monthly subs , and have a shower as the boiler is still broken and the water is so cold in my flat , shaving in cold water is really shit . At the reception I ask the manageress why there was trouble over my subs yesterday and she starts typing away at the computer and tells me that I have already paid this months fees , was I so fucking pissed over the last month that I'd already paid and didn't remember , no idea . The weathers been hot today and what bliss to jump into that pool and immerse myself in cool cool water , wickedly refreshing , perfect .
Today I have felt peace of mind and thank everyone who has helped me this far . A quick prayer to the masters of the universe to look over all the addicts fighting this terrible disease .

In high spirits , despite having vivid dreams of drinking alcohol in different pubs . Wasted the morning fucking around with my pool fees . Big fire in the Church the next street down from me , filled my flat with smoke . Boiler is leaking so rang the heating engineer and he cannot fix it for health and safety reasons , something to do with soldering a leaking joint so Ive got no fucking hot water until Tuesday . Chatted to Annabell , we're a funny pair and she was very jolly despite her hospital visit tomorrow , Good Luck Duckey x .

A break through today i think , not sure . Went shopping to get some bits and walked past my favourite Off License and whether it is the Campral or the Kudzu I walked straight past and didn't realise until i had walked another 5 minutes and was sat at the bus stop , umm ? Interesting , somethings happening , I have no desire to drink alcohol , have money to buy it if I wanted . ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER , EASY DOES IT .

Thank you the masters of the universe for keeping me sober today and please help all others suffering from addictions to find peace of mind .

The poor man in the painting above was me 7 days ago , I was not this person today and do not wish to be him tomorrow .

My new flip flops .

What do you think ? Look at the horrid tag on my left ankle , I'm on a curfew and am not allowed out after 8pm and not before 7am , it 's WACK !!

Pills , Pills , Pills . These are my morning meds , Lov em , yum yum .

Spending my cash again , this time on herbal detox remedies , a product used by the Chinese in 600 BC called KUDZU , I'll give anything a go , nothing to loose . When I googled KUDZU it apparently cures every ailment from in grown toenails to brewers droop , wonderful stuff indeed . I also purchased a floor mop in the 99p store so my flat is all shiny and smelling of bleach , I run a tidy ship and cannot stand mess so it had been bothering me that the floors were needing a quick swish over .

It's coming up to 7pm and the weather is proper beau , still warm and the sea looks just divine , maybe the unused wetsuit with labels still attached will get a dip this summer , I had the great idea of swimming the Channel in it last year until I saw a turd floating just off shore so shelved my plans for another day .

Mooching around Brighton earlier every other person is wearing white rimmed sun glasses , Ha , the lady on TV playing tennis at Wimbledon is also sporting a fine pair , just remember who had them first !!

Alcohol is not bothering me at all today , ive watched people drinking beer and wine outside the pubs and bars around town and felt no need to join them , my mind is relaxed and lucid , today peace of mind rules the day . A quick prayer to the rulers of the Universe to thank them for my lovely day and keep em coming .

My friend Annabell asked to see my photo so here we go .

Early finish at Millview today , pills , quick chat about next week then we're let go free for the weekend , I talk with a lady in the kitchen about us both having 4 year old daughters , she's shaking awfully and sweating as she tries to butter some toast , the meds will sort her out in a day or 2 . Ricky's Fiancee was pissed again last night and screamed at him " I'm fucking Scottish , I was born to drink " , Frankie is brave enough to say what we are all thinking , " don't marry this women , she's gonna kill you " , you can cut the atmosphere with a fucking knife , he looks at her then at me and he's lost , bewildered , confused , looks like a child who's lost it's mother in the supermarket , excruciating to watch but I'm saying nothing , best way .

So I'm on my way and decide to pay a visit to PC world and have a browse , I notice a sign pointing to the Martlets ( Martlets is a hospice for the terminally ill ), my Dad spent a lot of time here so I walk up to the building to have a look , I wanted to see where my Dad had spent his final few weeks , the smell of lavender is overwhelming and the building is new but looks beautifully designed , my Dad enjoyed his weekly visits here and left them £20,000 in his will , the place is peaceful and it makes me happy . Looked at the ipods in the computer store and pick out a very attractive silver model that I must have but not today .

I'm close enough to the dealers that sold me the car I crashed whilst pissed the other week , it has been returned to them as I have lost my license for 26 months and cannot resist but to look and see if it's on the forecourt and up for sale , why I do this to myself I'm not sure ? If I had seen the car it would have upset me greatly , it wasn't there so I carried on and walked past a flat I lived in 15 years ago with the girl I should have married , Majella from County Mayo , Foxford , Ireland . She left me after 4 years unable to handle my drinking and unpredictable behaviour , we were engaged to be married and it was all very sad , yet again why do I torture myself with memories of the past , did I think she would come walking out of the front door , give me a big hug and tell me everything is gonna be OK . Did I expect my Dad to come skipping out of the Martlets and say "Hi Jimmy" ? That's enough nostalgia for now .

The weather is hot and I'm feeling super chilled due to the meds taken an hour earlier , Hove is vibrant with people and colour , pretty ladies and stalls selling punnets of strawberries £1.50 , slowly walking through the town I'm absorbing everything , the noise , the warm breeze , dogs on leads , the people sitting outside cafes taking tea , this is how my life should always be , it could be if only I could obey 1 little rule , NO ALCOHOL !!!! and this = PEACE OF MIND , very simple it sounds , easy to write it down , but to actually comply then your asking the world of me , can it be done ? Well of course , plenty have , can i do it ? Today yes .

Bus it into Brighton , too hot to walk and head to Primark , I've got a tenner in my pocket and want to treat myself for completing the first week of detox , try on a few pairs of sunglasses and find a wicked pair with white frames , pick up a t-shirt and unusually for me a pair of flip flops , wouldn't be seen dead wearing them outside but will be cool for indoor use , perhaps I could take them to the beach as the pebbles are a killer if you want to swim . The shades , t-shirt and flip flops cost £7.50 , a bargain indeed . Then i'm in the supermarket to buy some coke , 2 litres of ice cream ( it helps with the craving of alcohol ) and 6 magnum ice cream bars . LOVER -LY .

It's 7.18am and the street is quiet , last day at Millview , will I get a lollipop for being sober 5 days ? Someone from Vantage point is coming in to tell us all about next weeks schedule . I like Millview , feels safe and I will be sad to leave but hope never to return , the other addicts are some of the nicest people you could be lucky enough to meet . I wonder whether Ricky has kicked his future wife in the cunt yet , get all the gossip when I see him today .