Thursday, 29 July 2010
Wednesday, 28 July 2010
Chew on that bullet .
Today I feel really shitty , detoxing the nasty way , don't have any money for booze so just biting the bullet , I really need to eat some proper food , I'm cooking some fish and rice , my legs feel weak and shaky .
I am so determined to keep sober this time no matter what life throws at me , I can take it , I'm strong , there isn't much I haven't seen , therefore nothing must stop me , absolutely nothing must tempt me to drink ever again .
The weather is super , right for a walk along the seafront or maybe on the pebbles and have a paddle , I'm stuck in my flat with an awful case of paranoia which is a shit part of detoxing from alcohol . The horse racing from Goodwood is on TV so that's my afternoon .
Tuesday, 27 July 2010
Whisky in the jar.
I got up 20 Min's ago cause I knew there was a pint of cider left in the bottle , I'm gonna drink it and go back to bed . This is really living !!!
Where's the summer gone ? It's grey and horrid . I'm counting down the minutes until detox , please come quickly , the 9Th of August is the starting date and I will put my heart and soul into this one , no messing about , get off this shit once and for ever , I'm still interested in life outside my bubble , I'm more interested or disturbed that I've nearly finished all the booze left in the bottle , no money to replace it either , cold turkey or "clucking" is on the way , never was a real fan of turkey , even at Christmas , to dry for my liking , not bad in a sandwich though with a bit of stuffing , that's the only dish my mother ever excelled at , the turkey sandwich , yes very tasty with a bit of salt and Percy pepper .
Where's the summer gone ? It's grey and horrid . I'm counting down the minutes until detox , please come quickly , the 9Th of August is the starting date and I will put my heart and soul into this one , no messing about , get off this shit once and for ever , I'm still interested in life outside my bubble , I'm more interested or disturbed that I've nearly finished all the booze left in the bottle , no money to replace it either , cold turkey or "clucking" is on the way , never was a real fan of turkey , even at Christmas , to dry for my liking , not bad in a sandwich though with a bit of stuffing , that's the only dish my mother ever excelled at , the turkey sandwich , yes very tasty with a bit of salt and Percy pepper .
Monday, 26 July 2010
Let me make something perfectly clear .
1. Alcohol is fun.
2. Alcohol is fashionable.
3. Alcohol will give you confidence.
4. Alcohol gets the party in full swing.
5. Alcohol is encouraged in our society.
6. Alcohol is good for ones heart.
7. Alcohol is good for the soul.
8. Alcohol helps you fuck your lady a lot longer.
9. Alcohol gives you a good nights rest.
10.Alcohol is an excellent slave.
All of the above are true , yes believe me , absolutely true . So why am I writing such a glowing appraisal of the Devils brew , you may ask yourself ?
I enjoyed all the benefits from the above , Fuck it did I have some fun , yes the best times of my life absolutely and without doubt , followed the fashion or more like an institution , gave me the confidence of Casanova and got me into some real swinging parties ( make what you want of that ) , Mr A has given me access to the most wonderful and fascinating insight into human behaviour that anyone could be lucky enough to see . Damn good pick up if ones heart and soul is in the doldrums , works every time , you can be sure of that , oh and don't forget sorting your partner out for hours on a Saturday night if you can stay awake . Good slave indeed .
So why would I want to give up the beautiful booze ?
Mr A will slowly and without you realising remove all the fun from your life , piss on all the confidence that he lent you then make you pay back 1000's over for the same relief , will fuck up your heart and not to mention what he'll do to your soul , turning you into a liar , scheming manipulator , angry , unbalanced , paranoid thieving sell yourself to the devil for a beer pathetic wreck of a shadow of your former self . Maybe you weren't so happy with yourself before you decided to undertake a career in alcoholism but I can assure you that you will fucking hate yourself after years of abuse far more than you did before , the police will take a very great interest in your every move , lock you up in the cells for days without any reason you can remember , make you stand up in court and beg forgiveness for accusations you don't even remember "Yes Sir , No Sir , I understand my stupidity and will never drink again promise , think "PHEW" that was a close one then hit the nearest pub . Don't even mention the relationships , family and children caught up in your addiction , they will leave you , don't kid yourself that you're in control , you're not . I'm living proof that you will lose everything and when I say everything that you care about that's exactly what I'm talking about, don't be a fool and do what I did "You will loose everything" , Daughter , Brother , Mother , nephews and nieces and more friends than you'd be able to remember and I still sit here drinking just waiting to get into detox in 13 days. And the guilt will rip your heart out , I can no longer bare to look at the photos of my daughter , she's so beautiful and my life is so full of ugliness . What a mess but a mess of my own making , that's for sure , think carefully , if addiction is inherited then I worry for my daughter and my brothers kids , there's no hard evidence to say either way , please God NO , NO WAY , leave them alone , they don't deserve it , let me take the whole family dose and let it die with me .
1. Alcohol is fun.
2. Alcohol is fashionable.
3. Alcohol will give you confidence.
4. Alcohol gets the party in full swing.
5. Alcohol is encouraged in our society.
6. Alcohol is good for ones heart.
7. Alcohol is good for the soul.
8. Alcohol helps you fuck your lady a lot longer.
9. Alcohol gives you a good nights rest.
10.Alcohol is an excellent slave.
All of the above are true , yes believe me , absolutely true . So why am I writing such a glowing appraisal of the Devils brew , you may ask yourself ?
I enjoyed all the benefits from the above , Fuck it did I have some fun , yes the best times of my life absolutely and without doubt , followed the fashion or more like an institution , gave me the confidence of Casanova and got me into some real swinging parties ( make what you want of that ) , Mr A has given me access to the most wonderful and fascinating insight into human behaviour that anyone could be lucky enough to see . Damn good pick up if ones heart and soul is in the doldrums , works every time , you can be sure of that , oh and don't forget sorting your partner out for hours on a Saturday night if you can stay awake . Good slave indeed .
So why would I want to give up the beautiful booze ?
Mr A will slowly and without you realising remove all the fun from your life , piss on all the confidence that he lent you then make you pay back 1000's over for the same relief , will fuck up your heart and not to mention what he'll do to your soul , turning you into a liar , scheming manipulator , angry , unbalanced , paranoid thieving sell yourself to the devil for a beer pathetic wreck of a shadow of your former self . Maybe you weren't so happy with yourself before you decided to undertake a career in alcoholism but I can assure you that you will fucking hate yourself after years of abuse far more than you did before , the police will take a very great interest in your every move , lock you up in the cells for days without any reason you can remember , make you stand up in court and beg forgiveness for accusations you don't even remember "Yes Sir , No Sir , I understand my stupidity and will never drink again promise , think "PHEW" that was a close one then hit the nearest pub . Don't even mention the relationships , family and children caught up in your addiction , they will leave you , don't kid yourself that you're in control , you're not . I'm living proof that you will lose everything and when I say everything that you care about that's exactly what I'm talking about, don't be a fool and do what I did "You will loose everything" , Daughter , Brother , Mother , nephews and nieces and more friends than you'd be able to remember and I still sit here drinking just waiting to get into detox in 13 days. And the guilt will rip your heart out , I can no longer bare to look at the photos of my daughter , she's so beautiful and my life is so full of ugliness . What a mess but a mess of my own making , that's for sure , think carefully , if addiction is inherited then I worry for my daughter and my brothers kids , there's no hard evidence to say either way , please God NO , NO WAY , leave them alone , they don't deserve it , let me take the whole family dose and let it die with me .
Fuk It!
Why me , Why me ? Why am I stuck with this Alcoholism , Mr A beat me up badly the weekend just gone , totally lost Saturday , just didn't happen . It's just fucking ridiculous , I have no control over my addiction and it's making a complete fool of me . The new neighbour is mocking me " Wheres your car , bollocks " , I ignored him , he's an alcoholic who also indulges in the occasional use of H , but he attends AA meetings though I never saw him when I went to a few the other week . I don't want people to think I'm what I am , I must beat it and turn my back on it for good , once and for all , over , finished , party over , Party , what fucking party ? I think I missed it . This time in 2 weeks I'll be in detox and I can't bring it on quick enough .
I went to see another alcohol worker this morning at the probation office , met her last week but don't really remember what we spoke about , thought I was meeting my new probation officer but he decided not to come to work so that was that . I'm thinking about a peer mentoring course , helping poor fuckers that are in my boots once I'm sober , it would be good for me , to help other people lost in a haze of booze and confusion , I could do it , be good at it , why doesn't someone mentor me today , like right this second , NOW , NOW , NOW ! I'm lost in a haze of booze and confusion , HELP !
Sunday, 25 July 2010
No use talking about yesterday as I don't have a clue what happened , the only memory is of going to the off license and buying some alcohol and cigarettes , the same off license that I had asked the manager to not sell me any booze a couple of weeks ago , he's an Indian or from Pakistarn , doesn't speak English very well , maybe he didn't understand me , why should he care about my addiction ?
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