Ive been pissed for 9 days , today is Sunday and I'm sober . I could scream with the amount of pain I'm in , my back is on fire .
My head is a mess , can't think straight , just wanna sleep which is causing me more pain , I have to kill this alcoholism , my kidneys ache from the beating over the last 9 days .
Tomorrow I have to see my alcohol key worker and tell him why I dropped out of detox last week , I have no excuses , what will I tell him ? Beg for another detox ?
I've got to stop pushing people away , let people into my life , get properly involved in this non drinking way of life , Don't be scared Jim , these people are gonna save your life ! Be a man and kick this destructive fucking habit out of your life and do it now , it's gonna kill you if you don't . Remember how much pain your in now , nearly as bad as when you had the op , yep Jim it's killing you , DO IT , DO IT , DO IT and now is the time , your dieing , so what do you have to loose , you've already lost everything that means anything to you and all that for the price of a bottle of booze .You fucking fool.

I'm so pissed , what day is it ?

I'M ALIVE AND IT FEELS JUST PERFECT .

Sober 4 days now and feeling very well , lots of chit chat with other addicts and medical staff . New faces seem to arrive everyday , some drugs and some drinkers . Attended a C.A. meeting on the ward which turned out to be interesting , the guy running the show kept saying "look where your addictions have got you ? a mental hospital , Do you understand this ?" , it needed to be said , I'd never really considered that I was a mental patient .

My Mother contacted my ex wife to arrange a time when she could see my daughter . There is absolutely no legal reason why my Mother shouldn't have access to her Granddaughter . I spoke to my Mother yesterday as it was Ella's birthday , wondering whether she had sent her a gift or maybe some money , my Mother said no which surprised me then she told me that she had received a letter from my ex wives solicitor telling her Ella did not wish too see her Grandmother . I must get access to my daughter ASAP before she forgets who any of us are . I cannot explain how much I despise that fucking piece of shit I stupidly married . I wonder did Ella get my card , note and photos ?

MILLVIEW , 9TH AUG 2010.
Up at 6am , or up all night , I reckon I got 1 hours sleep max , fuck was I shattered , fell asleep in the bath just wanting to lie there but having important business to take care of today pull myself out of the stupor I was feeling and put the kettle on , roll some cigarettes and put the TV on to see what the weather will be like so I wear suitable attire , sunny with showers , put on some long jeans so nobody can see my tag and a short sleeve shirt , Adidas trainers . I'm always anxious on the first day of rehab never quite knowing what to expect as far as other addicts , they always look so fucking ill and this morning was no exception , we were all clucking like a good addict does when starved of his poison , all I could think was hurry up with the Librium , quick , it's gotta be my turn soon . Danielle who I had met on my last failed attempt calls me into the medical room and hands me the magic pills and I feel relief straight away , soon I'll feel all warm and dopey . Pop to the garden for a smoke and meet my new addict friends and we chat away about " the evils of drink" , one old fella is shaking really badly and I tell him the pills are ready , he's gone in a second , another guy I recognised from acupuncture a few months back , He looks a bit moody but I'll reserve judgement for now .
11 am and the morning session starts , 7 of us in all , good size group , not too many and not too few . An African fellow with glasses is sitting very quietly reading a book , I thought maybe he was a nurse or Doctor , very smartly dressed with brown pointed cowboy boots , we all have 5 Min's to explain what has brought us here today , I go first just to get it out of the way and give the others some idea of what is expected of them . I'm still watching the African with the glasses and notice his head has fallen back and he is asleep , perhaps he worked a night shift or something . Everyone has spoken and Danielle looks and shouts "Kenneth" , no reply , she tries again "Kenneth" and he wakes up from his slumber and asks what the side effects of the medication he took earlier are , I shout out sleepiness and we all have a good laugh , Kenneth's wife and daughter were killed in a car accident , fuck , no wonder he drinks , He's well spoken and intelligent with good English .
Sitting next to me is a very camp looking guy with a sallow complexion and yellow eyes , tells everyone he's a vicar , it revolts me to look at him , rotten teeth and very sick looking , he's got cirrhosis of the liver and it looks like the booze is killing him , he tells the group he loves life and does not want to give up drinking , I don't understand why he is sitting there if he wants to carry on killing himself , I can feel myself getting angry with his cavalier attitude , he won't shut up and keeps making jokes about his homosexuality and inferes he has a sore bottom from last weekends pride . Theres a pretty girl from Sweden , she has 2 kids and has been contacted by the social services about her boozing so shes joined us for the next fortnight , I'll get her phone number before we finish next friday , maybe take her out to the cinema .

The City of Brighton is hotting up , there's definitely a charge in the air , tonight marks the beginning of pride weekend , a festival that draws 1000's of gay people from all over the world , it's a huge affair , you wouldn't get a room in any hotel for love or money . It would be a fantastic place for a trip out with the camera but I'm not sure that I want to be seen hanging around snapping away . Lots of straight people do attend although I have never myself been .

Only 3 days to go until detox , I cannot wait , bring it on , I want my life back , it's gonna be fucking hellish but this time I must succeed , this party has gone on way , way too long and must come to an end !

DR , DR .

Up at 6am , bathed and ready to see the DR at Vantage Point , this is necessary as they like to take bloods and ask a ton of questions before starting my Detox programme next Monday , they prod and poke you , stick needles in your arm , check to see if your liver is enlarged , B.P. , and heart , the usual stuff .

I drank 12 pints of cider yesterday and I should feel a lot worse than I do , it could be one of those delayed hangovers , gets you about 11am when you think you've cheated it . There's 2 cans of cider in the fridge , I'd love to knock them back before I go but something tells me that it would be disrespectful to go and see the Doc stinking of booze so I'm gonna leave them be for now.

I started to sketch out a design for a tattoo a couple of days ago , a Koi carp and I found some pictures of a lotus flower which I may incorporate , they bring good luck . The plant itself lives in shitty water , opens up to flower during the day and closes at night , there's some significance maybe ?