What a windy night , doors banging and curtains flapping around in the breeze , I kept looking at the huge crane situated very close to my flat and wondering if it was blown over and fell in my direction would it crash through the roof and demolish half the building taking all the residents with it . Didn't get much sleep , fucking back was agony so spent most of the night smoking and watching the torrential rain pour onto the street , needed a good wash , get rid of all the shit and toxicity , ( Put that last bit in for you Annabell )
Up and bathed , I needed to kill time as my appointment with Mike at vantage point wasn't until 2.30 pm, actually dared myself to look at some of the university booklets and listen to an audio Cd's that I'd been sent last month and had been avoiding through fear that I wouldn't have a clue as to what they were talking about .
1.30pm and I'm on the bus , early so that I can have a peep in a jewellers on the way , looking for a bargain sovereign but all they have are those ghastly big rings with the coins mounted and they will all be damaged around the edges . I sit in the waiting area at Vantage point and wait , some guy ponces a roll up , it always happens , every time I go near the place some smack head wants a fag , he was pleased I had the the brown rizla papers and keeps telling me" it's years since I've smoked one of these" , there's is a group of about 10 guys waiting for prescriptions and one is threatening to throw the chair he is sitting on through the window if they don't hurry up with his methadone , another guy shouts out " I clucking me bollocks off ", its a scary place , I remember the first time I went and was fucking terrified , funny how things become normal and desensitised , I sit and wait , not worried , I've nothing else to do.
Mike calls my name and I'm up in a flash then down with a bash , my back has seized up , I hold my hand up and gesture to give me a second , slowly get myself out of the chair and say " hi " , he's smiling which is a relief , I was a little worried that he may say something like " are you taking the piss " , but he was very kind and we chatted for half an hour and got me booked into ANOTHER detox in 2 weeks time , this man is my friend .
I bought booze and came home on the bus .

Ive been pissed for 9 days , today is Sunday and I'm sober . I could scream with the amount of pain I'm in , my back is on fire .
My head is a mess , can't think straight , just wanna sleep which is causing me more pain , I have to kill this alcoholism , my kidneys ache from the beating over the last 9 days .
Tomorrow I have to see my alcohol key worker and tell him why I dropped out of detox last week , I have no excuses , what will I tell him ? Beg for another detox ?
I've got to stop pushing people away , let people into my life , get properly involved in this non drinking way of life , Don't be scared Jim , these people are gonna save your life ! Be a man and kick this destructive fucking habit out of your life and do it now , it's gonna kill you if you don't . Remember how much pain your in now , nearly as bad as when you had the op , yep Jim it's killing you , DO IT , DO IT , DO IT and now is the time , your dieing , so what do you have to loose , you've already lost everything that means anything to you and all that for the price of a bottle of booze .You fucking fool.

I'm so pissed , what day is it ?

I'M ALIVE AND IT FEELS JUST PERFECT .

Sober 4 days now and feeling very well , lots of chit chat with other addicts and medical staff . New faces seem to arrive everyday , some drugs and some drinkers . Attended a C.A. meeting on the ward which turned out to be interesting , the guy running the show kept saying "look where your addictions have got you ? a mental hospital , Do you understand this ?" , it needed to be said , I'd never really considered that I was a mental patient .

My Mother contacted my ex wife to arrange a time when she could see my daughter . There is absolutely no legal reason why my Mother shouldn't have access to her Granddaughter . I spoke to my Mother yesterday as it was Ella's birthday , wondering whether she had sent her a gift or maybe some money , my Mother said no which surprised me then she told me that she had received a letter from my ex wives solicitor telling her Ella did not wish too see her Grandmother . I must get access to my daughter ASAP before she forgets who any of us are . I cannot explain how much I despise that fucking piece of shit I stupidly married . I wonder did Ella get my card , note and photos ?

MILLVIEW , 9TH AUG 2010.
Up at 6am , or up all night , I reckon I got 1 hours sleep max , fuck was I shattered , fell asleep in the bath just wanting to lie there but having important business to take care of today pull myself out of the stupor I was feeling and put the kettle on , roll some cigarettes and put the TV on to see what the weather will be like so I wear suitable attire , sunny with showers , put on some long jeans so nobody can see my tag and a short sleeve shirt , Adidas trainers . I'm always anxious on the first day of rehab never quite knowing what to expect as far as other addicts , they always look so fucking ill and this morning was no exception , we were all clucking like a good addict does when starved of his poison , all I could think was hurry up with the Librium , quick , it's gotta be my turn soon . Danielle who I had met on my last failed attempt calls me into the medical room and hands me the magic pills and I feel relief straight away , soon I'll feel all warm and dopey . Pop to the garden for a smoke and meet my new addict friends and we chat away about " the evils of drink" , one old fella is shaking really badly and I tell him the pills are ready , he's gone in a second , another guy I recognised from acupuncture a few months back , He looks a bit moody but I'll reserve judgement for now .
11 am and the morning session starts , 7 of us in all , good size group , not too many and not too few . An African fellow with glasses is sitting very quietly reading a book , I thought maybe he was a nurse or Doctor , very smartly dressed with brown pointed cowboy boots , we all have 5 Min's to explain what has brought us here today , I go first just to get it out of the way and give the others some idea of what is expected of them . I'm still watching the African with the glasses and notice his head has fallen back and he is asleep , perhaps he worked a night shift or something . Everyone has spoken and Danielle looks and shouts "Kenneth" , no reply , she tries again "Kenneth" and he wakes up from his slumber and asks what the side effects of the medication he took earlier are , I shout out sleepiness and we all have a good laugh , Kenneth's wife and daughter were killed in a car accident , fuck , no wonder he drinks , He's well spoken and intelligent with good English .
Sitting next to me is a very camp looking guy with a sallow complexion and yellow eyes , tells everyone he's a vicar , it revolts me to look at him , rotten teeth and very sick looking , he's got cirrhosis of the liver and it looks like the booze is killing him , he tells the group he loves life and does not want to give up drinking , I don't understand why he is sitting there if he wants to carry on killing himself , I can feel myself getting angry with his cavalier attitude , he won't shut up and keeps making jokes about his homosexuality and inferes he has a sore bottom from last weekends pride . Theres a pretty girl from Sweden , she has 2 kids and has been contacted by the social services about her boozing so shes joined us for the next fortnight , I'll get her phone number before we finish next friday , maybe take her out to the cinema .

The City of Brighton is hotting up , there's definitely a charge in the air , tonight marks the beginning of pride weekend , a festival that draws 1000's of gay people from all over the world , it's a huge affair , you wouldn't get a room in any hotel for love or money . It would be a fantastic place for a trip out with the camera but I'm not sure that I want to be seen hanging around snapping away . Lots of straight people do attend although I have never myself been .

Only 3 days to go until detox , I cannot wait , bring it on , I want my life back , it's gonna be fucking hellish but this time I must succeed , this party has gone on way , way too long and must come to an end !

DR , DR .

Up at 6am , bathed and ready to see the DR at Vantage Point , this is necessary as they like to take bloods and ask a ton of questions before starting my Detox programme next Monday , they prod and poke you , stick needles in your arm , check to see if your liver is enlarged , B.P. , and heart , the usual stuff .

I drank 12 pints of cider yesterday and I should feel a lot worse than I do , it could be one of those delayed hangovers , gets you about 11am when you think you've cheated it . There's 2 cans of cider in the fridge , I'd love to knock them back before I go but something tells me that it would be disrespectful to go and see the Doc stinking of booze so I'm gonna leave them be for now.

I started to sketch out a design for a tattoo a couple of days ago , a Koi carp and I found some pictures of a lotus flower which I may incorporate , they bring good luck . The plant itself lives in shitty water , opens up to flower during the day and closes at night , there's some significance maybe ?