Banks , I fucking hate em , get all your money then still try and stitch you up with charges , robbing bastards feeding their fat cat Big Bosses ! Just had to get that off my chest.
Ricky is having trouble at home , his misses was pissed up again last night and she had promised to keep sober and support him for the first 2 weeks of the detox . She's out with her mates this afternoon getting fitted for her wedding dress and he knows when he goes home there will be 6 pissed women in his house , he's getting lots more medication than the others in our group and is still suffering with the shakes really bad . He's due to be married in August and is so upset about his ladies behaviour that he is starting to doubt if she is the women for him , he explains with tears in his eyes . The medication is making his speech slurry and it's sometimes difficult to understand what he is saying but his face is telling everyone " heartbreak" .
A new guy joins the full time inmates , his arms are slashed to bits through self harm and he's rattling , he blew a 120 on the breathalyzer so it's to dangerous to give him any medication , I go down to the garden for a smoke and there he is sitting on his own , I ask him if he's OK and he says he feel terrible , he's been up all night drinking , just getting that last bit in , we all did it and now he's coming down and had to wait until he is sober enough to get some happy pills . A crowd of us gather around the seating area and he goes back upstairs probably cursing the fact that he decided to visit Millview and not wanting the company of us so soon , give him a couple of days and he won't want to go home , I guarantee it . About 10 of us sit and stand smoking and listen to music off an ipod with speakers , a girl called Tinx is the D.J. , she is small , very pretty , dressed in a pink mini skirt , very low cut top and from Scunthorpe . We are a happy bunch and everyone is smiling and joking , usual chit chat , Ricky is sitting there messing with his mobile phone not speaking to anybody , quietly smouldering .

Jay didn't turn up today , if I were homeless and sleeping on cardboard I would make no fucking attempt to be sober either , maybe he'll come in tomorrow ?

This blogging thing is really catching on , a couple of members of my group want the e-mail address so they can start there own . They ask me if they can read mine , no , no , no .

Since Monday I had seen bods walking around with packets of biscuits , assuming they had purchased them from the little shop on the ground floor I tried to ignore them as I haven't had any money all week . this morning however whilst making a coffee a jar with biscuits catches my eye and I have a sneaky look , WOW it's packed with all sorts of lovelies , bourbons , custard creams , digestives , so I grab a couple of packs and sit in the day room happily munching away on my goodies . In case you didn't know alcohol is packed with sugar and when you give it up the craving for sugar is enormous . Im getting paid tomorrow and will for certain be buying a tonne of ice cream .

Please let me sleep a little better tonight and not vomit in the morning , I know it's my own fucking fault getting myself in such an awful state and I thank my Guardian Angels for looking after me when everyday I meet people in such worse situations than myself . To the Higher Powers , I just prey that you could bless and help all the addicts throughout the World to find some peace of mind . Thank you , Goodnight .

A bottle in the garden ?

Had an awful nights sleep , woke up covered in sweat at 1.30am , didn't really settle properly but must have dropped off as the alarm woke me at 6am . Stomachs upset and I'm vomiting into the sink , this is normal for my detox , I know my body well enough and had expected some reaction . Bath , tea and cigarettes and I'm feeling fine if a little sweaty but it's a warm day so that's OK .
Report into Millview detox and have the usual breathe test and blow a big ZERO , I tell the nurse Ive been vomiting and sweating so she gives me my pills and I make myself a coffee and sit in the day room and wait for the others to arrive . nothing much is happening so I pop down to the garden for a smoke and chat with the inmate addicts , we sit in the sun and the conversation as always is about alcohol or other drugs . An old fella sits with his legs propped up on a spare chair and is concerned about the blisters and redness of his feet and legs which has mysteriously appeared over night , his teeth are broken and black and he chain smokes roll ups , still dressed in his faded hospital issue orange pyjamas .
We have a quiz which I have done twice before due to my previous visits , same questions , lunchtime , injections in the buttocks which were very painful today . A guy called Rich is feeling angry with his wife , she had promised to stay sober for the 2 weeks he was in detox and she came home late last night pissed and started picking fights with him , then falls asleep and keeps him up all night with her snoring , he rings her today at lunchtime and is furious that she is in the pub having lunch . He got so agitated that was given extra medication , but through very slurry speech was still fuming and threatening to "kick her in the cunt!" , then lock himself in the shed so she wouldn't bother him .
Alarm is raised as an empty bottle of wine is found in the back garden , everyone has to be breathalyzed and suspicious eyes are raised , "who could it be ?" , not me that's for sure . Nobody blows a positive breathe test so it remains a mystery ????
Relaxation session this afternoon , breathing exercises and focusing on different parts of the body , flex the muscles then relax and so on . More pills dispensed for this evening then it's home time , I walk to the bus stop with Jay who is sleeping on the beach tonight , he's got 3 kids and only sees the 1 in Kent but has to get straight then maybe move closer .

Boozy Floozie .

Today I met a lady that could drink a bottle of vodka in 3 minutes , now that's fucking drinking , I chatted to her in the back garden of the detox unit and she told me her liver was fucked , she arrived the same time as me this morning and didn't want to go onto the ward , her son was carrying her bags and slowly he coaxed her through the door. It wasn't her first visit and said the last time she had completed the detox , the first thing she did on leaving was go for a drink , Mr Alcohol has got his dirty fucking hands wrapped right around her throat , she looked confused and old , she was only in her 40's I should think but looked more like 60!

We discussed the ads and disadvantages of alcohol in our little group after some chill pills , another member joined us called Jay , He was to pissed yesterday so came along today , He is homeless and lives in a car park with a guy he met in prison , he was asleep for most of the day , I don't know if it was the medication or the fact he's living on the streets . There's spare beds on the ward but he doesn't want to stay so goes back home to his car park with his mate who funnily enough doesn't drink .

Lunch time , more pills and I eat my lunch and put the big flat screen TV on in our room and watch the tennis , things aint that bad , I'm thinking to myself . The afternoon is spent chatting about how we could benefit from kicking Mr A into touch , I fantasise about some exotic holiday or days out in london looking around galleries , others in the group are concerned about loosing their social lives as they meet pals in pubs and clubs , I dont have this problem , nobody will drink with me as my behaviour becomes menacing so I have been an indoor drinker ever since they banned smoking from Pubs , too fuking painful in the winter , in and out the pub every 10 minutes for a fag , Bollocks to that !

We had our injections just before leaving and the bus bouncing up and down the road on my way home made me wince , I almost got off and ended up standing for most of the journey .

(sorry if my spelling isn't correct but checker not working)

The afternoons sport was a complete paradox , the motor racing was great fun with webber walking away from a crash at 190 mph , the whole car flipped 360 degrees then smashed into the tyre wall , my stomach sickened as I thought he's gotta be dead . The foota was of the poorest level and England were beaten up by Germany 4-1 .

Detox at hospital tomorrow , I'm not looking foward to it !

Slept awfully last night , http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hd1CQEtrQMY&a=MuW_9Twk7B4&playnext_from=ML , dream't that I was with my ex wife and she had given birth to a baby boy , he was very handsome with big blue eyes and a matching blue bonnet , big smiley face .

From slags to riches.

The alcohol has kicked in and I feel less shitty than earlier . The picture on the right is " Gin Alley " , I must buy a print and hang it somewhere that will catch my eye as a reminder of less happier days .

Maria Sharapovia is on TV playing tennis , she gracefully runs around the court and let's out a screech every time she returns the ball . Beautiful , blond and from Siberia , 6ft 2ins tall and worth mega bucks , she's as famous as anyone in the world .

Tennis was my passion as a youngster , winning the junior championship of my local club , I was the first ever junior member to be voted onto the clubs committee , this status came with privileges , keys to the clubhouse and keys to the bar . I abused my new status and took my lady friends into the club for free late night drinks , kisses and cuddles . A girl called Gina French kissed me one evening and it was a terrible shock then covered my neck with love bites , I remember my father asking " What are those abrasions on your neck young man? " , I didn't answer but felt my face blushing . Luckily my school shirt covered the hickeys and nobody noticed , I hung around with lads that played foota and went fishing , we never spoke of girls , i was leading a double life and loving every second .

It's taken me over an hour to sign into blogger this morning . Sophie Dahl is on TV , The delicious Miss Dahl , a cooking programme , she speaks delightfully and reminds me of Annabell . An ex girlfriend came to visit last night and we treated ourselves to curry , beer and some other titbit's .

I've just popped out to the off license and spent all the money I had left , more cider , it's very very warm and people are out wearing short skirts and t-shirts , I cannot connect with these lucky people , they are free and happy whilst I'm stuck in my prison cell drinking my fucking head off , lets get the re-hab on and get released from my self made hell . The Spanish Gran Prix is on so lets enjoy the battle for pole position and the big race tomorrow.

The Streets of Sobriety.

The picture was my first stab with pastels , I think pregnant women look so beautiful , a new life , new start , a baby born perfect with no Fuck ups , . Darwin "nature nurture" , I fall in with the nature arguement . Same D.N.A , me and my big brother , I'm mad and he's different , I wont say he's normal , no idea what that is but he fits in , married , 2.4 kids , morgage , 2 cats "basil and cybil" and a goldfish . He's not nice on alcohol , just like his little brother , turns fucking nasty , put a knife to my throat over a row about some chinese chicken wings , never eaten them since , he still lived with my parents 10 years after I flew the nest and was screaming " this is my fucking house , not yours ", fuking pussy I thought. We ate the chicken wings and I got the train back to my home 60 miles up the road.

Today is very , very hot . popped out earlier taking 2 silver cigarette cases that belonged to my Grandfather ( I never met him , died before i was born , mother tells me he was the only normal member of my Dads side of the family , he was a copper , yuk! ) In the pawn shop I'm thinking maybe I will get a tenner , the guy behind the counter recognises me from previous visits and we exchange pleasantries as i hand over the goodies , " I cant give you much for these " he says and my heart sinks , surely they have to be worth a tenner then I can buy 15 cans of strongbow , he disappears and weighs the cases and returns " look I can only give you £45 for these , silver is worth nothing at the moment " , my brain has a strong orgasm and I nod my head saying nothing , i mumble out a "yes" and sign a couple of forms and off to the booze shop with a spring in my step , bloody hell maybe it's curry tonight aswell . Time is running out for me so I want to enjoy the last few days of being mashed , Gimme , Gimme , Gimme , I WANT IT ALL AND I WANT IT NOW !

Chit chat to my new friend Annabell , she is so chilled and honest , even forgives me when I'm bad , doesn't judge me , lets me be Jim , I like her very much . Maybe we will be married .

The Streets of Sobriety.

The postman is on his way , I can see him out of my window , he doesn't get a Christmas tip off me , he brings me bills and horrid letters so he can fuck off .

Some chap rang my buzzer at 7.35am this morning and was shouting "Rob wake up " kept ringing my buzzer for 10 minutes , I got up to take a piss and felt the full effects of last nights cider-fest , take some painkillers , consider taking a bath then hop back into bed , my mind is racing , I want to blog then feeling drowsy sleep until 10.06am . A friend of mine , Sally , is in a bad way , her Grandad is dying and she's lashing out at anyone that can be bothered to listen , I can be bothered and received some outrageously rude text messages last night , I didn't bite and was very polite in my replies which is unusual for me , I love a good text row but not when someone is hurting as badly as she is , I know all about loss , watched my Dad dying from a brain tumour , it took 4 years to kill him , ripped my fucking heart out , preyed to God and the devil to take me instead of him , there was no justice in it , he didn't deserve to die in such an awful and undignified way . I don't visit his grave , can't , its still to raw , I feel guilty for this but don't want to cry anymore .

Some people have cornflakes or eggs and bacon for breakfast , I'm having cups of tea , cider and cigarettes , horses for courses . Talking of horses I must draw a picture of one , Im a bit of a pencil sketcher , usually I will draw women , breasts are a particular favourite .

The Streets of Sobriety.

I sold my PS2 this afternoon to get money for alcohol , 1 console and 5 games , the shopkeeper gave me £9 , my lounge is starting to look so bare , all the DVDs have gone apart from my real special ones , Harry Potter , Jaws and a few Rocky's , no way will they be sold and my all time favourite Quadrophenia I'd fight to the death for .

My appointment to see the Dr concerning my detox was at 2.40pm and I was anxious to get this over with so turned up 40 Min's early , remember the £9 in my pocket was for booze and I need a drink so hope to be seen straight away , my plan backfires and I'm seen early and thoroughly examined mentally and physically , she asked me what day it was an which town we were in , what season of the year we were in then started to ask me questions about my behaviour and issues I have with the police , she thinks I have ADHD and a form of BI-POLAR but until I've detoxed and been sober for 6 months they won't even assess me ! , I'm in her surgery nearly 2 hours and she bitches that I have held her up , she's fucking holding me up , alcohol is on my mind and I need to be on my way . She takes my blood which with all doctors seems to be a big deal , can't find a vein , drops the fucking needle , tells me she cant understand why the blood isn't going into the tube , nurses job to take blood , doesn't know what she's doing .

Out on the Street I'm heading autopilot to Iceland , Special deal on my favourite drop , buy 2 and get a pound off , picked up some mustard ham to disguise the 6 litres of poison in my basket , do they think that I'm an alcoholic , feeling paranoid but almost wanting to tell the guy on the till that I have just been diagnosed with MADNESS, I laugh with the checkout boy , the old lady in front of me snaps at him that the food is to heavy as she places it in her pensioners wheelie basket , tartan style , she didn't sound Scottish , probably on her grandmother side.

Bus home and drink then sort out my new friend Annabell , I'd insulted her and needed to apologise , she's so cool and forgiving .

Up early for my appointment with the substance misuse service at 10am , I arrive early , I'm always early for everything . The waiting room is an awful area with addicts waiting for prescriptions for methadone , others waiting to give urine samples , others seeing counsellor's . Most are under the influence of their drug of choice , a chap sitting next to me starts rambling on about something , no idea what he's talking about , I did here the word wedding and something about his daughter , I could smell a faint whiff of alcohol on his breathe but he was off his head on something much more evil , he reminds me of an old pal of mine and I feel pity for him , looks happy enough though so leave him to whatever he does .
My name is called and immediately I recognise the guy from previous visits , He remembers me and had kept my notes from my previous 2 de-tox's , knows all about the problems with my daughter and that my spine is bolted together , I tell him about crashing my car pissed . He asks me to wait for him back in the area with all the other addicts . 5 mins later he's back and tells me to come tommorow for a check by the doctor and that he's got me a place starting next monday on the detox at millview hospital . God bless him , 3rd time lucky , PLEASE.

Looking out of my window the sea shimmers against the sun , it's a glorious sight and feel lucky to have such a fabulous view , earlier this morning I could make out the Isle of Wight which is 50 or more miles to the west , just a faint outline on the horizon almost like a shadow but it was definitely there .

It's a trade off , to even the balance of the outstanding view , my neighbours are heavy weed smokers , the Albanians downstairs all smoke weed , the hermit on the ground floor suffers from serious mental health issues and only leaves his flat to jump into a taxi to buy food and booze then shouts and curses at the moon once drunk , the block next to mine is a little quieter , a girl was stabbed in the neck last year by her boyfriend and needed a 5 hour operation , it made the newspaper , a fat guy called " Flossy or Fluffy " lives on the top floor , he grassed on 5 drug dealers in the street 4 or 5 years ago so should really think about moving to another area , these dealers won't be in prison forever , then there's the new guy at number 11 who had the fucking nerve to lecture me about being pissed all the time whilst off his face on smack or some other awful drug , he could hardly open his eyes and was having difficulty speaking , he attends A A meetings but I've yet to see him at any I've been to . Queenie lives further down the road and frequently crawls up the street pissed out of his mind , he owns a black and white Staffordshire Bull terrier which he calls "cunt" , the little fucker bit me recently so I reported it to the police who visited Queenie's house on 3 occasions but he wouldn't answer the door . A couple of weeks ago he bit my pal Sarah on the right hand and made it bleed , I thought it was rather amusing but if it goes for me again I'll kill it with my bare hands , ring its ugly neck ! Next door down is where the lady murdered her mother and hid the body under the stairs , upstairs is a gay bloke with a Yorkshire terrier , he sells ketamine or more widely known as special K , a clubbers drug . Further on down is a guy with schizophrenia who is also an alcoholic and drug addict and finally there's Bill who sits out in the sun all day and drinks like a fish when he's got the cash and not forgetting George who has 4 daughters but had decided to turn gay and shares his house with anyone he picks up from the most famous gay pub in the world " The Bulldog ". ( see above) . Toxic Street indeed .

Some people eh ! , can really make me fume . My mate is in a right tizz , raging that the budget will affect his pension . Do I care ? NO I absolutely do not , and detecting my disinterest he then attacked me for claiming benefits which I'm fully entitled to .

Budget today and the fucking guy in charge of all the cash is targeting people like myself who claim benefits , give the weakest a good kicking first ! My knowledge of politics stops there , thieving , swindling bastards the lot of them .

The tennis is on tv and I've just noticed Serena Williams has the same trainers as me , I took mine for a test ride to the local supermarket this morning and found them very comfy . The 2 Williams sisters Venus and Serena , look so strong and hit the ball so viciously it makes me wonder if they would make the top 500 in the mens game rankings?

Fireworks on the beach tonight , a birthday maybe or a party , someone got married this afternoon ? A celebration with BB Q's and booze , possible some drugs , naughty naughty . Fireworks are the ultimate eye candy , orgasms for the eyeballs.

A friend just text ed me sounding a little disturbed , the new government has messed up his pension , he's only 37 , what the fuck is he worrying about , don't get it ? He'd never admit it , bet he voted conservative . My pension plan from St Dunstan's should keep me cosy , the deal was good , pay in £7 a week and they would pay £21 , four and a half years I paid in so I'll expect about 15p a week , fuck it why worry about it , the pension also included life insurance which is signed over to an Irish girl that hasn't been seen for nearly 20 years , should sort that really , maybe tomorrow or not , I'm fond of the lady and it would please me to leave her some money should I die . In the spirit of fairness I took her virginity and spent 4 years in a usually happy relationship , " You were the one for me Chop " , we were engaged to be married and had bought her a ring with 18 super sparkly diamond set in white gold , went to Ireland and asked her father Seamus if he would let me marry his daughter , "yes of course" he said with tears rolling down his face , he liked me and I liked him , knew that I took care of his daughter in big bad England , she was the kindest person to ever walk this earth , she lives in county Mayo Ireland had 2 kids and runs a grocery or something to do with fruit and veg , she used to write and send Christmas cards to my Mother but stopped when I got married . She wrote once telling me she had bought a Volkswagon Beetle , pink and the last line of the letter told me she was getting married to a guy called Gerry , I remember meeting him on a visit to Ireland , his parents were millionaires , Mr A helped me get over the situation and honestly the fun I got upto after we split I don't regret and was free to do as i pleased . Drink and fuck the pain away , soon somebody else will catch your eye and I didn't mess about , fuking 4 different girls in 1 day , thats my record and now I'm old theres no chance of topping that : (

British History and Traditions should not be forgotten . Sunday Roasts , The Queens speech on Christmas day accompanied by sprouts and mince pies , P G Tips , The British justice system ( I'm particularly keen ) , The armed forces , dislike of immigrants , our national dish of course "chicken vindaloo and pilau rice" , a particular favourite of mine , Shakespeare and The Beatles of course , Fucking your best pals wife , Pubs which are without doubt the best in the world , cream teas , Harry Potter , gardening on a Sunday afternoon , DIY every bank holiday , The sport of Kings , horse racing , cricket , The boat race , Wimbledon but that enough about tennis for today although I'd love to chat some more on the subject , Summer holidays in Bournemouth or Clacton, and not forgetting the biggest football club in the universe Manchester United , hooliganism . Darts , how could I forget the sport closest to my heart and the inbred freakish British Bull Dog , always born by cesarean section .

We the British are steeped in tradition and history and as a true Englishman am rightly proud , I say Englishman as the only tradition the Welsh seem responsible for is sheep shagging and the Scots , haggis which I sampled in Edinburgh and thoroughly enjoyed with a wee dram of whisky . Lived in Ireland for a year and think they invented the potatoe but I'll have to check that out , oh and invented Potcheen , lets not expand , bloody strong and evil .

The tennis is on BBC2 and I'm trying to spy my Brother and Fat Dave in the crowds , wouldn't it be such fun if the ball smacked them right in the face , justice indeed :) . The club rules ensure that the players dress in white , this tradition is proper and well respected by all , it's just so correct and dates back 124 years . No whites and you can't come in , go away , we don't care who you are . In 2008 i took a big bottle of champagne , salmon en croute and cigars for the 5 of us that were meeting up , Dave brought along a pack of mini sausage rolls , nobody else bothered . I feel you have to make an effort on such special occasions , don't you? Eat the strawberries ( I hate strawberries ) and drink the Pimms even if it is £8 a cup , do things properly , wear new clothes , I'm sure your getting the feel of it . Oh and just one more thing before I bore you to death , you must visit the shop and buy at least one article , £18 for a summer hat that my Daughter looked a peach in and wore until it was filthy , why my ex wife couldn't wash it , who knows ? Well secretly it was because i bought it and shouldn't be going to such events enjoying myself , my god did I tell you about the time I went to Tenerefe ? What a fucking scene that was and in public as well in front of my poker playing buddies .

My Brother owns a property in the Canaries and we had booked a weeks break , now remember my divorce was through and I hadn't lived in the marital home for over a year , I'd not told the ex about my little holiday until a fortnight before we were due to go , she was gonna kick up a big shit , she's good at that , " How can you just fuck off on holiday when you only give me £80 a week for our daughter " , I can hear it now BLAH , BLAH , BLAH , and always shouting , every swear word known to me . We were due to go on the Friday and I'd been invited around to have dinner on the Thursday with my ex , daughter and her kids from a previous marriage , I'd been suspicious but the following Sunday was father's day so I'd agreed to go as my 1 year old daughter had a gift for me . Never did I intend to honour this invitation , my ex was up to something and I bloody well knew what it was , get Jim arrested , cause a row , ring the police then he's gonna be locked up all night and miss his flight , she was very good at getting me nicked , her brother in law and my ex brother in law was a top copper in Brighton and was able to pull strings , I was once given 135 hours community service after she had attacked and bitten me , never did understand that and had to pay the bitch £100 compensation ?? , family in high places counts I suppose .

Playing poker in the Internet cafe that i always used my mobile kept ringing and receiving texted messages which I ignored , knowing full well it was my ex wondering why i hadn't arrived for my premature fathers day special tea with a free night in the cells included . One thing I hadn't counted on , BIG MISTAKE , she knew where I played Internet poker and had been watching me via her computer at home on the William Hills website . Oblivious to this , merrily I played away winning some extra cash for my holiday the next day . Sitting in my usual seat next to the front door every things cool , i always sat in this seat so when I folded hands early was able to look out of the window and people watch which is a hobby of mine .

Dealt pocket aces I have a 95% chance of winning this hand , it's the best pair you can get in Texas holdem poker , I'm transfixed on the screen and watching what the other players are betting , don't want to give away that my hand is very , very good so don't raise it up too much , let them think they have a chance , raise it up a little more and everyone calls my bet which is what I want , another ace reveals itself on the flop and my heart starts to beat a little quicker , go all in next time around , yeah fuck it every penny , i check the pot and it's already over £80 , it's mine . Aware that somebody has entered the shop behind me I take no notice , probably a student e-mailing her mother or boyfriend in Latvia or Slovakia , this town which was awarded City status 3 or 4 years ago is awash with youngsters from all over the world desperate to learn English .

My mind is on the card game , the hand is mine , suddenly a voice I recognise is calling me a cunt , bastard , fucker , throwing objects at me and is ripping up cards and showering them over my head , no need to look around and risk a punch in the face and as soon as it started it's over and this crazy women exits the internet cafe , everyone is looking at me and I shake my head and hold my hands up like I've no idea who this mad women is , the poker is timed out so i loose the pot and leave the shop , i've never been back since !

WIMBLEDON 2010 STARTS TODAY . GREAT , GREAT , GREAT.

Probation at 9am , Alison is cool today , I present my probation chits to prove I have attended A A meetings , I introduce her to Mr A and she looks puzzled for a second then understands my need to put a face to this Devil responsible for almost recking my very existence , " if a friend treated you as Mr A has then would you still want him as a friend ? " , Alison asks , " no of course not " , I reply , " then why do you still befriend him ? " , she asks , I struggle for a reply , "He's just so charming " is all I can think to say feeling foolish .

Money goes into account today so I've hatched a plan to buy enough food to last me 11 days which will take me up to my next payday and leave me nothing for Mr A to get his dirty claws on , I popped into Iceland and bought a load of food and they will deliver it this afternoon between 3pm -5pm and free if you spend over £25 .

This day 2 years ago I was at the Wimbledon Tennis Championships accompanied by my Brother and long time friend and fellow tennis player " Fat Dave " , I've known Dave since I was 7 or 8 years of age , went to the same snotty school . This year I speak to neither , my Brother over a statement he gave to the police last Oct , saving his own ass , even my solicitor called him a cunt and Dave over some unpaid gambling debts , £52 was more important to him than 35 years of friendship , I'm still Fuking angry with him , " Let it go Jim " .

Sunday morning and I feel wreched , I slept for 16 hours and woke up at 9.26 am with awful shakes , Im covered in small gnat bites , scratch , scratch .

The weather's overcast and suits my mood , the sea is very calm and sunday is the favoured day for weekend sailors down from the city , "Let's pop to Brighton and take the Jolly Roger out , ok yar " .

Fuk it , ive upset my friend.

Not sure what day it is , Ive been up all night and the sunrise came early , like" real early" , 4am ish . My nemesis goes to work at this awful hour so I waited for him but he slipped by in a haze of painkillers and booze , i need to sleep but wonder how awful I will feel later on if i don't . Mr alcohol whispers something into my ear and is quickly told to get fucked . I can never decide between people and music , I get high on both . Music you can control , people I have no fucking idea .
Why do they put adverts on TV about hair spray and tampons on at 6.am , Mums getting kids ready for school , no i can hear clubbers making there way home so it must be Saturday morning . Does my daughter get up at this crazy hour ? I hope so . Me and my Dad used to get up early on Saturday's , he used to fry an egg and let me pour cold water in the hot pan , Hiss , Pop , Bang , weekend treat for my dad "Bobbie" , I hated eggs so Dad made me tomato sauce on toast , my favourite . My dad wasn't one of those cool Dads , big feet and even bigger glasses but he was kind , gentle , very intelligent and my buddy , fuck I miss him so much , his funeral was the most awful day of my life . What on earth must he think of my behaviour now ?

Buying cheap toilet roll is a false economy.
To be me takes nothing from my energy and makes me happy , no effort is involved to be Jim. Give me 10 minutes and I don't even know where and who I am and sometimes ive woken and didn't know my own name , thought I was 12 years old and "Oh fuck , wheres my school tie ? " . The effort comes when i've had marriages , relationships , friendships , Im a jack in a box , turn my little handle and play an amusing tune and i'll jump out in your face when you least expect it , I could be laughing or maybe not . I'd be as surprised at my reaction as anyone else.
This morning I went to see a guy i love to bits , he was my boss/idol when i was a 18 yr old kid , I rang him on an impulse , I shared a flat with him 20 years ago , i hired a space on his lounge floor and had to supply my own sleeping bag and steal quiche from the fridge .

Spend , Spend , Spend , this afternoon i hit the town and purchased 2 pairs of trainers , 2 pairs of jeans and 3 t-shirts at a cost of £140 , the money has to be spent otherwise Mr alcohol will want his cut , always does and wont leave you alone until he gets it .
There's a certain pleasure in lacing up trainers just the way you like them and when i got back home this occupied me for an hour , they look good now and I'm pleased with them , i tried the jeans on in the shop so they went straight into the cupboard with the t-shirts.
Aware that the England football team are playing tonight against Algeria in the world cup Mr Alcohol reminds me I have £40 sitting on the coffee table and would it not be a good idea to have a beer with the match , he'd in fact kept me up all night asking , begging , pleading for another payout , just one more and then I'll leave you alone forever , promise , scouts honour , cross my heart and hope to die.
The off license that i use closed down 5 months ago , i was pleased as it was 3 Min's walk and served my favourite tipple , i knew the staff and were on first name terms , it was far to easy and convenient . I noticed some activity in the empty shop 2 weeks ago and wondered who would take it over and what they might sell . It opened 3 days ago as a mini shop that sells paper's , cat food , sandwiches , washing powder and BOOZE !!!! I popped in to get some cigarettes , having a quick look around out of nosiness as much as anything , the shops divided into 2 halves , one half provisions as i said above and the other half jam packed with all the super strong lagers and ciders , fuck why couldn't they open a cafe or a shoe shop , a flower shop would have been lovely , i bought some tobacco and left the shop steering towards Morrison's to buy food for the weekend , then walked back and had a double take , did i really see 15 cans of cider for £9.99 , Mr Alcohol is screaming "go back , go back , its a bargain , get some today , you don't ever have to go in the shop again ". " No fuck off , I'm going to buy some food , not booze .
In the supermarket i buy steak , chicken , milk and deodorant , the queues are huge and i join the shortest one i can see and start to sweat , i feel paranoia and push the ladies shopping in front of me further along the conveyor belt so at least I can feel I'm nearly on my way to paying the checkout girl and on my way out into the fresh air . Pay the young girl who shouts to a mate of hers " I'm off in half a fucking hour " then i walk with my goods and decide to take the bus up the hill , the bus is packed full of shopper's and workers making there way home , " they'll all be watching the match and having a good piss up Mr Alcohol shouts in my ear , "go on get off the bus and pop into the new shop and buy those 15 cans for a tenner , give it up tomorrow , I'll leave you alone I promise . I pop back into the new shop and buy the 15 cans and the fucking foreign owner pulls a face when i ask for a bag.
I walk home around the back way so my neighbours don't see I've bought more booze .

Higher Power please keep me sober today , i did prey this morning and remembered to close my eyes , promise you , i really did .

CHOOSE LIFE . That's what they say isn't it ? The message in yesterdays meeting was atone to that .I sit and listen to these people and they all make sense , I've long since given up the idea that I'm just a heavy drinker , a weak excuse used by myself and many others to I expect . I am these people and these people are me . We're not pretty , like a Birthday present tied up with a big red ribbon , we're fuking ugly , misfits , freaks , crazy people who need a re-wire , but i have noticed happyness and friendship and trust so Im happy to be joining the circus with its lions , elephants , tigers and clowns . Roll up , Roll up , the circus is in town , free tickets for everyone ! Where's the bearded lady ? , can't wait to see her .

Up early this morning , bathed and now enjoying my tea and cigarette . The weather is glorious with not a single cloud in the sky and the sea is an almost aqua blue , i spy 3 yachts all travelling westerly , going to Portugal or somewhere like that or maybe only a short trip to the isle of wight for tea and scones.

Preying this morning to the higher powers i forgot to shut my eyes , at junior school i remember being shouted at by a particularly nasty teacher as i preyed with my eyes open , does it still count or should i prey again ? , just for insurance i have asked the gods to keep me sober today with my eyes shut.

Later on this morning I'm going to another AA meeting at a place called the crypt , sounds a bit creepy , isn't that where they keep all the bodies ? The collection bowl goes around the room at the end of the meeting to pay for the hire of the room and teabags , I've got 15p left until tomorrow so that's all they'll get from me today . When i get paid the cash has to be spent quick or the temptation to buy booze is too great for me to resist.

A beautiful girl walks down my street flicking her blonde hair from one side to the other , I've seen her before , big blue eyes , maybe she's off to work or going into town for a summer hat . Perhaps I could take her out to the best restaurant in Brighton when I've finished my detox and we could gaze into each others eyes over a candle lit curry , no need to say anything to each other , just gaze , gaze , gaze .

Everything was ugly this morning!
I watched the racing at royal ascot on tv , the crowds so beautifully dressed and the horses wearing their summer coats so perfectly groomed and gleaming in the sunshine , such wonderful animals.
Setting off to the beach at 4-ish pm , i sat outside a cafe and had a diet coke , this mornings gloom was forgotten as i watched people strolling along the beach and wondered to myself what their story was , everyone has a story to tell , something that has altered the life they lead. The summer clothes are out so I'd better fish my 3 or 4 pairs from the cupboard . I walked slowly along the beach and took some photo's of the merry go round , i used to take my daughter to the merry go round every Sunday but it didn't make me sad to be there , i browsed around a small art gallery , then passed a seafront bar and remembered sitting there years back listening to the band , drinking lager , taking Ecstasy tablets and buying the pretty waitress drinks , she even agreed to let me take her out for a meal but i never did.
I have an on off romance with Brighton , last week i was certain that we'd fallen out with each other but today i am back in love with she , like a lady she toys with me , messes with my head , makes me happy , sad , angry , and love her all the same. She loves me , she loves me not .... Today we are lovers again , another addiction i just can't let go of.

GRRRR!!!. Woke in a badish mood and things got gradually worse. My counsellor cancelled our session , i really needed to see her , i want alcohol VERY badly indeed today , my pal also cancelled our meet at the pier this afternoon . I fuking hate being let down , i don't do it to other people so i dont expect anyone to piss me around.
Went to the gym , i havent been since i crashed my car 3 weeks ago and had to take the bus , i fuking hate buses and their fucking drivers. Then my anger turns towards myself for mashing my car up and losing my license . Had a swim and got the bus back into town to pick up my prescription , bought some lighter fuel for my beautiful zippo lighter , zippo's need care and looking after , mechanical and the pleasure of getting your hands dirty , changing flints and filling with liquid fuel , yes they are special and come with a lifetime guarantee. How could i ever give up smoking and neglect my splendid zippo , its part of me.
Masters of the universe please keep me sober today.

Got all my jobs done , bills paid , bought a couple of canvas pics I'd had my eye on for a month or 2 , bumped into my mother in the bank , she was fairly cold towards me , treated myself to a couple of t-shirts and shopped in asda. SOBER!

The first cup of tea in the morning with the cigarette is the finest time . I can plan my day , look out at the sea and watch the boats , today there is a single yacht with a white sail travelling westwards , perhaps they're going to the south of France , yep somewhere exotic for sure , "wait for me , i'll come along to".
Today is a day of "wants" and "haves", i want to go and watch the professional tennis tournament which is an hours bus drive away but i have to pay some overdue bills, go shopping as i only have 6 frozen sausages left in the freezer and absolutely nothing left in the cupboards , shopping was fun when i had my car but now i will have to sit on the bus with 5 or 6 bags of the usual ASDA produce then struggle up the hill , and post my application form for a course i am undertaking in Oct this year.I should also try and fit in another AA meeting , they like you to attend 90 meetings in 90 days but that can wait until later this week , im still digesting what happened at yesterdays.
Another cup of tea and smoke , a quick prayer to the masters of the universe to help me stay sober today.

I arrived half an hour early for the meeting and after a cup of tea the room fills to an alarming level , everybody knows each other and kisses and cuddles are given out generously , a guy sits next to me and tells me he's been sober for 22 years and points to an elderly lady in the corner who hasn't touched a drop of booze in 38 years , i was 5 years old when she last had a drink , seems inconceivable to me , does she still need to attend alcoholics anonymous to keep sober , she was a jolly old girl who said her life was fantastic and was shortly going to celebrate her suicide attempt of 38 years ago by visiting a business convention in USA.
As the meeting drew to a close i started feeling a bit dissapointed , these people were just like me , their thoughts and drunken behaviours were just like mine , fuking bonkers , I thought i was a one off but im definately not , these people are all a mixture of me , madness , violence , some form of bi-polar , up and down , left and right , inside out and back to front , the only difference is that these facinating people were managing their minds SOBER!

Jim Jackpot.

This morning i went to see my probation officer , we got on just fine until last weekend when i crashed my car and was 3 x over the legal limit for alcohol. She was very very fuking angry , spitting as she shouted and screamed at me , i thought maybe she was going to hit me.
I haven't attended an Alcoholics anonymous meeting in 20 years and decided or should i say was ordered by the judge dealing with my drunk driving case to get help with my escalating alcohol problem so this afternoon off i popped to a meeting , didn't much fancy it at all really but im very close to getting a prison sentance if i get caught pissed and making a nuisance of myself , which is usually the case.